Vaguely Remember

It's Crazy ain't I?
How I vaguely remember the dimples and curves of your face,
days go by and I don't let any images or reminders of you fill my mental space
but today I chose to be plagued.

I need to remember you,
Like pages in my diary or a favorite story from my past
I need to remember all the reasons we didn't last
because when i thought of you today...

I could only vaguely remember
the heartbeat that drummed against my rib cage, threatened to explode in my temples
when you used to "love" me.
Feelings of shame because I knew what i was thinking when u used to hug me
Words so sweet that oozed like molasses from ur lips and found themselves soaking in the mushiness of my brain
the tears-slidin'-down-my-window-pane-and-its-cold-outside-but-if-u-leaving-i'm -gonna-stand-outside-your-window-with-a-boombox-even-in-the-rain

i can only vaguely..remember
those feelings of love when I'm angry and can only vaguely remember the details of your betrayl when I miss you,
Today I need to remember it all... the good with the bad,
I need to leave you in my past, remember you in the present and not include you in my future.

Before today, I could only vaguely remember..you...and the picture was a little fuzy.

I don't understand...grieving

Wait a minute... i don't understand/things are all out of place/yesterday you were here and today and tomorrow you're gone forever/ its like the moment i see some sunshine here comes some rainy weather/ see i just dont get how I can go on and act like this is okay/ knowing that i'm gonna see u in heaven some day/ don't ease this pain that im feeling or lift this cloud over my head/ see some mornings i don't wanna even get out of bed/ because i know that if im there, there is a chance that i could still be dreaming/ and none of this has happened and in the inside im not screaming/

I don't understand... and now im confused because they just told me and i can't even visualize it, people are giving me their condolences and i don't even recognize it, they're waiting on the tears to drop like im tryna hide it/
There IS nothing to HIDE.. I just don't understand!

How yesterday we were pounding fists and shaking hands/ or how we were talking about the promise lands in future reference and now you made the future the present, im realizing that im gettin older and aint no reverse adolescents anything can happen and i need to get it together...at least that was the message.

However...i'm still not clear on how you're here today and gone tomorrow/ how we were just laughin and now i'm in sorrow/ how you get snatched from this earth or how you quietly leave/ how you took my tears with you and now its hard for me to grieve/
or how you were just sittin across from me... just talking to me...just walking with me... see that's the part that I can't conceive. and i don't want my last memories of u to be of ur death but I gotta look cuz I don't believe/ while standing in the line/now bouncing my knee because yesterday you were still here but today you're gone/ dressed in all this black, see now I have no choice but to move on whether I understand it or not/ willing myself with all that i've got to look/ thinking to myself how death is a crook because it stole you or you just got convinced and went with it...

even though its not clear to me and i don't understand, i just do what they tell u when in grief and hold on to God's unchanging hand/ letting him lead foward and afraid to look foward and even more afraid to look back thus i be turned to salt/ and He let me slip down in a crack.. hold on to his hand and hope that at the end of thhis journey/ i've fulfilled his plan/ and that we have all served his purpose/ and when its my turn to go I won't be nervous/ because i did what i was sent here to do/ and was not worthless/ that the pain that i'm feeling/Will make sense at the end of this madness.. that's all im asking... that's all I'm hoping for..