FOR YOU SIR

I'm not afraid of regular things. Well, I am. Spiders, Ostriches, animals way larger than me, typical things. I'm more afraid of failing than anything.

I had a friend once or someone I considered a friend. He had a few problems, nothing I didn't think with a lot of effort I couldn't help him with. I knew it would be hard, but I was up for the challenge. To start with, this guy did a lot of things that would make me turn my back on any other person, but because I felt like I could help, I let the insults and some of his other actions roll off my back. He wanted to date me, eventually. Though I knew I could be there as a friend, I knew I couldn't be there as a partner or significant other. I had read cases like his where a person who acts the way that he did and probably still does can get attached and when things don't work out, you will do that person more harm than good. It was kind of like a dependency issue. I couldn't deny that it would happen. People who SEEM to be perfectly emotionally stable had developed those issues with me. Those people depended on me as a friend though. A boyfriend with dependency issues on top of other said issues was something I didn't feel I could handle. It was also something I didn't think he could handle if it went south.

I tried to be a friend. Ignoring or lightly putting down advances and then I ran. I mean broke out in a sense, but didn't think that would end the friendship... but it did. He was angry of course and we didn't talk for months. Then out of the blue he makes contact again and gullible me thinking that all was well, continued the friendship only to see that his intentions were to try and make me look like a fool. I let him beat up on me a little while and then I couldn't handle it. I cut him off. Months went by again and some things seemed to have changed in his life for the better. I thought that with these new changes of his, we could be friends. For a few months things went smoothly and then like a sledge hammer,my obliviousness crashed me over the head. Not only had I been ignoring obvious and blatant signs AGAIN, I had been unknowingly feeding into them. However, I thought if I ignored the advances, because even if I felt similarly to the way he did, there was nothing that could be done about the situation, we could go back to being friends. Before I knew it, he played victim again and I was cut off.

Then I became angry. Clearly, I had more than made up for my running away in the beginning. I was frustrated that years later I was still being treated like shit and he was still playing the victim. I have grown tired of it and have decided at this point, I will no longer offer the hand of friendship. I felt guilty at first because I thought I turned my back on him but at this point, either he's going to get over it or he is not. Obviously he isn't. I'm going to make the decision easy for him. If he decides to reconnect he can kiss my ass. I definitely feel a certain way about a person whose intentions are to play games and obviously to see what can hurt me.

At some point in your life, you grow tired of bandaging yourself and began to cut first. I don't want to always be the one to draw the sword, but in his instance, if he and I cross paths I won't hesitate to throw him the cold shoulder. I have his phone number... I could have very easily called him, but actions speak louder than words and I'm sick of his words. I've shown more actions than words, but if there is a next time He will get neither...

I could care less if he reads this too. Lol. Good if he does. FOR YOU SIR: You're always searching for a reaction... here you go.. GOODBYE!

A Sore Thumb

I don't blend well. Often in crowds I still stick out whether its to be targeted for some bullshit or to be picked out as a person to be studied or watched. Don't watch me damnit! I am watching you! I stick out like a sore thumb sometimes. Not that I would ever want to be a copy of these females today. Some of these females are only concerned about social status and high heeled shoes. Two things I care absolutely nothing about.
I am selfish. I watch people for my own enjoyment and prefer not to be spotted because then I tend to spend more time trying not to be analyzed versus me doing the analyzing.

I guess I complain about standing out, but I actually don't mind all that much. Because I am that way I have met some pretty awesome individuals and contrary to popular belief and beginning to really LIVE and am having the time/struggle of my life. I say struggle because in my book, there is no happiness without pain and no success without rain.

Untitled.

I'm trying to put the negative energy elsewhere
not trying to stress, put on no weight or lose no hair,
I guess I feel some kinda way because the situation seems hopeless,
I get upset, and then I seem to lose focus.

A cloudy day and I just keep smilin' through that shit
all the while thinking one more word I just might hit
or throw a fit
but I keep my composure.
I either hit you with a smile or the cold shoulder.

Who cares what you sayin' cause I'm not really here,
been standing in this same place but my mind been gone since last year.
Threats falling on empty ears- I'm done listening
the devil whispering in one ear and yes he's kind of tempting

now who's to say that this is supposed to end this way?
I'm thinking i can hold on until a brighter day
but patience wears thin and i'm tired of holding
arms wrapped around this butterfly- feels like i'm choking.