Just wondering...

Accomplished so much only to be just as lost as I was before.
Been wondering about the things that I left behind
wondering what's in store,
counting down the time.

I'm back in that space again.
that space that has no name and I can provide no definition
that place where i find so much peace and yet i fall into confusion and turmoil.
how did i get here?

Thank you Father.

He text today.
Asked me where I've been and what I've been up to
and
for the first time
I could actually respond that I'm fine.
been busy,
doing well,
ain't been thinkin' about you.

You just don't know how it feels to be real
and not be faking the funk
to have healed
and be able to have a conversation and feel NOTHING.

No twinge of what could have been,
thinking about what should have been
and no regret or uncertainty.

Thank You Father!

He loves the streets (When I was 16)

It just ain't gone work
He say he loves me but he shows me just the opposite
won't leave the streets alone now We got to deal with the consequence

Can't live the hood life, ain't on my list of projected accomplishments
and he knows that i would rather die than have to wave at him from behind the fence

say he wants me to be his wife,
but he's married to the white
and he can't have the both of us so one of us has gotta go tonight

I don't even wanna hear the choice
because what if he doesn't chose me
and the streets are more important
and he would just rather lose me?

he says he loves me
but he's willing to leave me and do a 5-10
a 10-20
all for his hood because he loves the streets
and he LIKES me.

On Those Sad Nights

On those sad nights I pause briefly in the middle of homework, cleaning up before bed or doing my hair right before the shower and wonder exactly how you left here. Did death sneak up on you like I have always referred to it like a thief in the night and carried your soul off with it? Did you get halfway to where you were going and try to bargain with the reaper?

Other times I wonder if you saw a window of opportunity and walked into the light on your own. Sometimes I wonder if you willingly left all of us behind and I immediately feel guilty and selfish because I get angry.

There there are the times when I wonder if while you sat in that chair did Grandaddy, and Uncle Hilton come for you with their arms outstretched and because you couldn't speak, you gave them the thumbs up sign to let them know you were ready?

These things I will never know and sometimes I am not even 100% sure that I really want to. Some things are better left as a mystery but sometimes I wonder if this is one of those things.

Thinking About You,
Jazz.

Can't See My Halo

Smog around me so thick they can't see my halo,
People making assumptions acting like they know
Wall up around me so I'm always protected,
Denial is some people's reality threatening to make my life hectic.

Eyes straight forward but through my peripheral, I'm still watching you
the people who are "in your corner" are the ones probably blessing blocking you.
Creepin up around me like I can't see your shadow,
if you're creepin on me I'll take your soul with my night glow.

I'm seeing things clearer than I ever have before,
like you claim your helping but your the devil down to your core.
Don't know if you're with me or against me,
Your attitude is acid friendly.

I try to keep my eyes on the prize like its the lottery
Trying to find the God in me,
won't let you pessimists bother me
but the smog is so thick that they can't see my halo.

People watching me acting like they know,
when the outside appearance its just a cover for the inner,
to cover the truth or the lie, the saved or the sinner
A place to start searching if your a beginner
but the shield to a soul if you are lazy or a quitter

but the smog is so thick that they can't see my halo...
the smog is so thick I know they can't see my halo.

Written for my bro T

Closer to my dreams than I've ever been before
I'm on the search for wisdom
so I can rob the rich and give to the poor

Mind so heavy with the things i'm trying to obtain
soul rock hard from the spirit that i'm trying to contain
Bearing my soul to these people so they can feel my pain
Hoping that my losses will result in somebody else's gain
Looking for the sunshine because I'm tired of all the rain
Trying to care for humanity when they don't give a fuck about you, will cause a person to go insane.

I'm trying to spread wisdom that I gained and because I learned it.
I try to share with the world, but they're stubborn and they haven't earned it.
So I spit my very soul on a blank white screen
Hoping that somebody reads it and they will receive me and help me with my dream...

I'm only trying to express myself and give them the better part of me
because i'm closer to my dreams than I've ever been before
and i'm trying share the art in me
so its like I'm robbing the rich.... and giving to the poor.
Or like, I'm trying to share the God in Me.

Blowing off steam

It's a possibility that I got too real for you,
Got in my car, left you in the rear view
'cause I couldn't get a feel for you.

Not sure where your head is
But I don't trust that you have good intentions.
as if, destroying me and my goals is one of your missions.

I wouldn't doubt that you counted on me being blind to you
thought you could flex a little and smile a lot,
hoping it would put a shine to you.

Trying to hide behind the shine lets me know that you're fake
act like your my personal cheerleader when I know that you ain't.
halo over your head, but you ain't no saint.
Hope you catch me slippin so you can step up in your rank.

your words been falling on deaf ears
doing you a favor 'cause your words can end your career.
obviously its me you lash out at in fear,
so you create lies to make sure the others don't hear.

It's true what my mom say,
they hate to see you strong
love to see you doing bad so they can pretend to drag you along.
I'm moving on.....