First to draw

I've been doing some thinking. I think that sometimes I let people slide a little bit too much. I often times act meek to avoid hurting people's feelings even when they do something to me. I let them victimize themselves and I take the blame for their mistakes. Not anymore. I'm not taking anybody else's blame because if I am strong enough to hold all of mine and yours too, you should at least be able to handle what is directly related to you.

I'm tired. I'm not doing it anymore. So from now on, and please understand me when I say this, "If you draw your knife first, don't be surprised if the one who is bleeding is not me." I'll leave it at that.

To: The One I've Always Loved, Never Met, but Already Lost

I feel you around me,
hovering around like a lightning bug in the dark refusing to shine your light,
as i wonder around aimlessly looking for something unknown in the airy night.
Stumbling foolishly,
arms outstretched hoping you will crash into me
being just a little too unrealistic
imagine the picture-- i'm a closet romantic
a public critic.

I feel you around me,
buzzing like a bee,
scaring me because today I'm afraid of being stung
My song of freedom has just been sung
I've loved you always,
never met you
so I don't have the chance to try and pretend to forget you,
but I've lost you already
because I'm afraid of being captured.

Will That Make Him Stay?

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about the girl from his coat pocket the other day?
MAke him remember that he pursued me and not the other way around
How I was the better choice so he said he'd give me the crown

He said there's five girls who'll do what I won't
And too many to count that have already done it.
He said there's a few waiting to take my place when I don't
So I'd better hurry and make a decision.

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about me like those other girls he played?
Make him remember that I am a lady first?
or how he took my virginity to quench his ego's thirst?

If I sleep with him it won't make him stay
He will forget about like he forgot about the rest
He will remember how I broke down and said yes
He'll think i was never the better choice and he'll assume i'm not crown worthy.

Reality Check/Comfortable

I am well into reality though I get high on fantasy. Knowing that the way my life is was done on purpose and not on accident. Knowing that at some point I may or may not be a martyr, striving to not become a statistic, trying to be a better woman not just for me but for America, I'm okay. I usually face what I need to face head on and if I don't, I walk away. There is no shame in knowing what you want, what you don't want. There is no shame in knowing when something is too much and something is not enough. Nobody can take better care of you than YOU!


Be comfortable in the skin that you are in. I am! I mop at 1 in the morning, singing at 9 at night. I could fall in love on pure accident and it be the worst thing that has ever happened to me or the absolute best. It's night/mornings like this that I am particularly grateful for the people in my life, the people around me, and for the way I am growing. I'm thankful for the people who did not make it this far in life. You helped to shape who I am. I'm loving every minute of me. How vain am I? LOL I'm COMFORTABLE. There is a difference

Dear Daddy

Tonight I think about you. I used to be upset with you because of the way things turned out. I used to be angry about you dying period. In fact, sometimes I'm still angry. On the days where I don't understand and get confused I remember that I don't have to understand. This is God's way and I don't have to agree with any of it. Then I think about how I have changed since you passed away. I started to stray from family and long to be in the street with friends. I started doing some things that I knew weren't me just to say I did it. Maybe it was to prove I am who I am... or to prove that I do what I want to when I want to. Funny how even though the day that it was confirmed that you had passed I already knew deep down that you had gone on. And to this day, I don't understand how I knew or why I wasn't shocked. All I felt was pain. A pain that no matter how much I seek to find words for, I cannot find. I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. I didn't want to face reality or be forced.

The day that you died, I took personal responsibility for my mom and brother. Not that I didn't care before, because Jay was already attached to me, but I felt more of a sense of responsibility. In this life, we only get one blood mother, and one blood father. I was blessed to be given a stepfather who always has my best interest at heart and I am thankful for that. The point is, I see personally that people aren't around forever. They won't always be here. Which is why I don't mind sticking close to home or sticking close to my family. Because when they are gone, they are gone. You showed me that.

Today I'm not angry. I'm not confused. I just miss you. I figure though...some things we have to go through to get through. God has a plan for me and I know all of this is just preparation but it still hurts. I really miss Granny too. Tell her that for me, but I know she's a little happier that she's with you, Uncle Hilton, Grandaddy, Tanis and Aunt Geraldine. Even if I understand, its okay to miss ya'll and cry sometimes... right?




Love,
Jasmine