Tonight I think about you. I used to be upset with you because of the way things turned out. I used to be angry about you dying period. In fact, sometimes I'm still angry. On the days where I don't understand and get confused I remember that I don't have to understand. This is God's way and I don't have to agree with any of it. Then I think about how I have changed since you passed away. I started to stray from family and long to be in the street with friends. I started doing some things that I knew weren't me just to say I did it. Maybe it was to prove I am who I am... or to prove that I do what I want to when I want to. Funny how even though the day that it was confirmed that you had passed I already knew deep down that you had gone on. And to this day, I don't understand how I knew or why I wasn't shocked. All I felt was pain. A pain that no matter how much I seek to find words for, I cannot find. I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. I didn't want to face reality or be forced.
The day that you died, I took personal responsibility for my mom and brother. Not that I didn't care before, because Jay was already attached to me, but I felt more of a sense of responsibility. In this life, we only get one blood mother, and one blood father. I was blessed to be given a stepfather who always has my best interest at heart and I am thankful for that. The point is, I see personally that people aren't around forever. They won't always be here. Which is why I don't mind sticking close to home or sticking close to my family. Because when they are gone, they are gone. You showed me that.
Today I'm not angry. I'm not confused. I just miss you. I figure though...some things we have to go through to get through. God has a plan for me and I know all of this is just preparation but it still hurts. I really miss Granny too. Tell her that for me, but I know she's a little happier that she's with you, Uncle Hilton, Grandaddy, Tanis and Aunt Geraldine. Even if I understand, its okay to miss ya'll and cry sometimes... right?
Love,
Jasmine
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