Dear Ex-Heart (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

Dear You

I find it utterly ridiculous that I have to re-release your ass every year. Why the hell can’t you just stay out of my head? Stay out of my life too. Take all of your memories, your damn birthday wishes, your voice, your laugh… take all of that shit back. Listen, I’m not bitter, I wish you the best. I wish myself the best as well. I don’t need you sending none of your luck over here though. I can handle me and mine on my own. Just stay the fuck out of my life, and out of my head and I’ll kindly FORGET about your ass. Thanks!

Sincerly,

The Best Thing You Ever had and Will Ever have.

These Are The Days (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

I try to hold it down… because this is the me that you never want to see. I’m fierce, and I show my teeth. Not to scare you but with intentions to bite. Back me into a corner and I’ll come out swinging. Hit first. Questions last.

This is the me that you never want to see. Those days when I really don’t give a fuck, and I deflect bullshit over my shoulder and don’t give a fuck what your problem is.

because these are the days that being in charge of myself is more stressful than keeping up with everyone else.

ANGRY Moved from Tumblr. (2011)

I am so angry
I know I’m not supposed to question you

Ask you why you do the things you do

Or why these things keep happening

but Lord I am running out of anger to battle all the bullshit around me with.

Every time I get my head on straight somebody tries to play me like I’m stupid,

they manage to piss me off, somebody gets sick, somebody dies, and the youth just

keep on making stupid choices. Most of this I cannot control but Lord I AM SO ANGRY!

I’m ANGRY that so many people have been taken from me, or from those around me. I’m Angry that So many people are sick. I AM ANGRY, that people are making stupid decisions-killing,stealing etc. I feel yanked back and forth, I feel like a puppet, I feel like half the time I am supposed to be a mime and I am FED UP. I am FILLED TO MY RIM!!!!!!

This…. i just want to close my eyes and fast forward. This is getting Ridiculous.

R.I.P.

Uncle Arthur

Suzie G.

Heavy D.

Hell….everybody it seems like..smh.

There Here And Now-My Work Speaks For Me.

I wish people would enjoy people for who they are right here, right now in this very moment. People spend too much time hanging on to the past and who a person was back then, failing to realize that people change. Recently I have decided to make a change in my life. I'm not sure what prompted it. I just know that I spent some alone time thinking about my "IT" and realize that whatever "IT" is, I'm nowhere close to obtaining "IT". I was complacent for a minute, but like so many times before, I've been awakened. I'm not sure what the next step is, other than deciding to let my work speak for me. When I say work, I mean my actual job, things going on in my life.. I choose to let them speak for me. I don't like spending time trying to justify myself verbally to man who will never believe me. This next thought may be incorrect BUT I really despise trying to convince others of my worth. I feel like I shouldn't have to and I expect people to know. What better way to let them know than letting my work speak for me?

In His Face

I can't escape him. He hides in the mirror, in pictures, in the face of my younger brother... he's everywhere! My father has been on my mind lately. I don't know why. This happens every once in awhile when I start feeling overwhelmed. Looking around at my apartment, I think that time is now. It doesn't take much mental stress for me to start laying things around and not picking them up. I honestly believe that this is my mind's way of coping with what could possibly cause a mental break. It's common knowledge that the body heals itself, creates its own defense mechanisms, and also creates diversions from real life problems. I hate to sit around and wait for my problems to find and attack me. I prefer to get them first!

The prettiest people do the ugliest things and the people the highest up got the lowest self esteem And you ask me am I jealous of the next? please, these people so self-conscious all they do is flex she talk about her 'cause she unhappy with herself let her boyfriend cheat on her 'cause she don't know her wealth And I'm supposed to be jealous of the next? Homegirl pretty but she hate her flat chest, went and got some implants and now she workin on her lips really wanna be Barbie so she asking Mattel for hips now.. and i'm supposed to be jealous of the next? he wear nothing but polo-spit on the boys in Walmart jeans nobody talk to his ass 'cause he stuck up and mean and he really don't have no money spend every dime he earn on fashion cuz he don't want folks to look at him funny. the prettiest people do the ugliest things and the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem He bruise his knuckles beatin on the dude with braces and he hates his own teeth 'cause he got mile long spaces and his mama won't pay to get 'em fixed, too busy nickel and diming for her next fix.. the prettiest people do the ugliest things and the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem-I say the prettiest people do the ugliest things and the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem.

Learning to Let Go

I imagine some of my friends to sometimes be smaller children on bicycles with training wheels. Once they are riding the bike without the training wheels, I tend to watch awhile, casually waving at them when they look back over their shoulder... then I just disappear. They have rode so far away that before they know it, I'm a speck who fades into nothingness and they can no longer see me. This doesn't bother me so much. People grow, and people change. I learned a while ago that everyone is not lifetime. Some are seasonal and should be kept as such. I let God place them there, and then I let God take them out.

On the other hand, sometimes, for sanity's sake, I have had to remove myself from the lives of people. If I feel as if I'm being abused, and I cant take anymore... I'll leave. No need to keep hanging around and being accused of things that I haven't done or did not do. I've lost a few friends because of this and one not so long ago. I've learned though, that sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes holding on can make it so much worse