First to draw

I've been doing some thinking. I think that sometimes I let people slide a little bit too much. I often times act meek to avoid hurting people's feelings even when they do something to me. I let them victimize themselves and I take the blame for their mistakes. Not anymore. I'm not taking anybody else's blame because if I am strong enough to hold all of mine and yours too, you should at least be able to handle what is directly related to you.

I'm tired. I'm not doing it anymore. So from now on, and please understand me when I say this, "If you draw your knife first, don't be surprised if the one who is bleeding is not me." I'll leave it at that.

To: The One I've Always Loved, Never Met, but Already Lost

I feel you around me,
hovering around like a lightning bug in the dark refusing to shine your light,
as i wonder around aimlessly looking for something unknown in the airy night.
Stumbling foolishly,
arms outstretched hoping you will crash into me
being just a little too unrealistic
imagine the picture-- i'm a closet romantic
a public critic.

I feel you around me,
buzzing like a bee,
scaring me because today I'm afraid of being stung
My song of freedom has just been sung
I've loved you always,
never met you
so I don't have the chance to try and pretend to forget you,
but I've lost you already
because I'm afraid of being captured.

Will That Make Him Stay?

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about the girl from his coat pocket the other day?
MAke him remember that he pursued me and not the other way around
How I was the better choice so he said he'd give me the crown

He said there's five girls who'll do what I won't
And too many to count that have already done it.
He said there's a few waiting to take my place when I don't
So I'd better hurry and make a decision.

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about me like those other girls he played?
Make him remember that I am a lady first?
or how he took my virginity to quench his ego's thirst?

If I sleep with him it won't make him stay
He will forget about like he forgot about the rest
He will remember how I broke down and said yes
He'll think i was never the better choice and he'll assume i'm not crown worthy.

Reality Check/Comfortable

I am well into reality though I get high on fantasy. Knowing that the way my life is was done on purpose and not on accident. Knowing that at some point I may or may not be a martyr, striving to not become a statistic, trying to be a better woman not just for me but for America, I'm okay. I usually face what I need to face head on and if I don't, I walk away. There is no shame in knowing what you want, what you don't want. There is no shame in knowing when something is too much and something is not enough. Nobody can take better care of you than YOU!


Be comfortable in the skin that you are in. I am! I mop at 1 in the morning, singing at 9 at night. I could fall in love on pure accident and it be the worst thing that has ever happened to me or the absolute best. It's night/mornings like this that I am particularly grateful for the people in my life, the people around me, and for the way I am growing. I'm thankful for the people who did not make it this far in life. You helped to shape who I am. I'm loving every minute of me. How vain am I? LOL I'm COMFORTABLE. There is a difference

Dear Daddy

Tonight I think about you. I used to be upset with you because of the way things turned out. I used to be angry about you dying period. In fact, sometimes I'm still angry. On the days where I don't understand and get confused I remember that I don't have to understand. This is God's way and I don't have to agree with any of it. Then I think about how I have changed since you passed away. I started to stray from family and long to be in the street with friends. I started doing some things that I knew weren't me just to say I did it. Maybe it was to prove I am who I am... or to prove that I do what I want to when I want to. Funny how even though the day that it was confirmed that you had passed I already knew deep down that you had gone on. And to this day, I don't understand how I knew or why I wasn't shocked. All I felt was pain. A pain that no matter how much I seek to find words for, I cannot find. I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. I didn't want to face reality or be forced.

The day that you died, I took personal responsibility for my mom and brother. Not that I didn't care before, because Jay was already attached to me, but I felt more of a sense of responsibility. In this life, we only get one blood mother, and one blood father. I was blessed to be given a stepfather who always has my best interest at heart and I am thankful for that. The point is, I see personally that people aren't around forever. They won't always be here. Which is why I don't mind sticking close to home or sticking close to my family. Because when they are gone, they are gone. You showed me that.

Today I'm not angry. I'm not confused. I just miss you. I figure though...some things we have to go through to get through. God has a plan for me and I know all of this is just preparation but it still hurts. I really miss Granny too. Tell her that for me, but I know she's a little happier that she's with you, Uncle Hilton, Grandaddy, Tanis and Aunt Geraldine. Even if I understand, its okay to miss ya'll and cry sometimes... right?




Love,
Jasmine

My Heart is Occupied.

Nobody lives here.
you assume this because your knocks went unanswered.
this vessel for which causes the very beat in my step is anything but empty.
It simply is
Occupied.
I hung a sign there long ago,
turned out the lights and sat next to the window
because I have reached my love limit.
I have loved and loved and loved and not learned to stop loving
and I simply have no need to make any room for another love to keep and still lose.
My heart is
Occupied.

How many of them have I felt some kind of way for?
Taught to love from birth until my heart hurts and threatens to burst,
I now make the decision to say NO.
"There's no room in the inn"
"You cannot come in"
"We cannot be more than friends"
"I have all the family and friends I need and require no more"
"This establishment is OCCUPIED and I cannot,will not take anymore!"
Only to love another and lose three more in their place...

How do you keep loving when every month of the year claims a different victim?
When the ones you love, you hold close for fear of losing them
And you try and play God thinking that your very thoughts can protect them
or that you can personally call in a favor to God and get mad when he does his own thing.
When DESPITE your very efforts the harder you try Not to love, you love EVERYBODY
and a new murder on the other side of the world is like another relative killed.
Hell no,
My heart is occupied!

I can't even watch the damn news without feeling like I have been shot at.
I can console and hold the hands of relatives and friends of the deceased because how many times have I had to do it?
Blessed and cursed with the poetic eye to see things how they really are
and my upbringing won't let me sugarcoat and my blessing won't allow me to desensitize.

I can love from a distance if I have to
but my heart is OCCUPIED.

Everybody has that 1 friend

That they would do anything for and who would do anything for them. I miss my homie. I won't say her name because well.. I just won't. However, I think sometimes you have to let sleeping dogs lie. Especially when you know where you'll end up at in a few months. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well... and not doing anything stupid. lol. I still love ya chick.