Uncle Hilton. #1/ The dream

Reality:

My uncle was killed in a truck accident. He was driving his Eighteen-wheeler, crashed into another truck (i believe it was another truck) and died. It was a Sunday... Mother's Day to be exact. I was on my way to work with a friend when my father called. I was on the highway, when I saw his number and name pop up on the screen. It was probably around eleven thirty. I remember it was around that time because I remember thinking that my father should have been in church by then.

I heard it in his voice before he even said it. I didn't know who had died but I knew somebody had to have been. In my family, a simple, "hey what are you doing?" sounds heavy with sorrow and sadness regardless of anybody's attempt to sound cheerful. He told me, right there on Highway 41 that my uncle had been killed in an accident.

A few minutes later I called him back to ask the details. His truck had been on fire a long time. I can't remember how many hours it burned. That one detail managed to slip my mind and I'm thankful for it.

I cried for three days. Every second I got alone I cried. Not so much because he was no longer here on Earth because I already knew that my uncle had a seat in the kingdom. I cried out of selfishness, confusion and something else I can't really identify.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

THE DREAM:

I don't dream about him much. In the years he has been gone I've only dreamed of him twice. The other morning I woke up, chest tight like I had been holding my breath. I scared myself and snatched my phone charger out of the wall. The last thing I remembered was my uncle being in a hospital bed, telling me goodbye and I was crying. It was a belly aching, tantrum throwing, screaming, arms flailing cry... I was clawing at the floor and screaming but i don't remember anything he said to me before that. I just know that a heavy, nervous feeling has been on my head ever since...and now I feel like I'm waiting for the last shoe to drop or something.

The lamp

Before I moved into this apartment, I went to Ikea and purchased a curvy, white, paper lamp that required two bulbs. I only bought it because it was cute. At the time I didn't care if it was bright enough. I didn't care if it would fit the decor, or even if anybody else would like it. I just knew that it was funky and I wanted it.

I walked past that same lamp today and remembered upon moving in, those things I didn't care about became an immediate concern. What if it wasn't bright enough? What if I needed more light? What if it didn't fit in with the decor of the apartment? What if people thought it looked tacky or that it wasn't nice?

It must have been the nervousness that caused me to second guess my first decision. Instead of getting another lamp, I insisted on letting that one lamp stand by itself, convincing myself that it was perfect and enough light. The thought occured to me today, that just like my fear that the light I adored before was suddenly not enough light was about more than about just a light.

That lamp is a lot like me... I think. Sometimes I'm so sure that my light is enough to shine and fix what is going on with others or enough to fix what is wrong within myself that I don't mind sitting in the dark for a while.I would rather stand dim than depend on someone else whose voltage may not last as long, (which was the reason I gave myself for not buying another lamp. I was concerned that it would be a waste of electricity because I would have to use them both and the other one would die faster which would mean the lamp would be left all alone in the end anyway).

I'm that lamp... People are the other form of light. I'm sure that though my light may be dim, I know its energy saving powers, and I'm "just enough" light to get by while those other forms of light are probably going to be more trouble than they are worth.

I don't know where this came from. It just randomly popped into my head. Maybe this makes sense and maybe it doesn't. However, my mind is full and this just took off the first sip to keep it from overflowing.

Please don't think I'm bitter

Please don't think I'm bitter....

for trying not to believe that all men are the same
while fighting off the angry black woman sterotype
Refusing to believe the Valentine's Day hype
when the truth is the 14th is the only day that some couples...
are a couple....

Please don't think I'm bitter...

When I just saw him with her and now who is she
While homie was just at my job pretending to be hubby
then whispering in my ear how I'm "special" and he could see himself loving me.

PLEASE....don't.. think.. I'm bitter...

If Disney has fed me one too many fairytales
about the king finding his queen
and I don't want to wake up one day and that damn glass shoe doesn't fit
or I'm asleep and I never get awakened by a prince...

Please don't think I'm bitter...

Because I'd rather sell reality than a fairytale,
and if it has to be a dream, I'd rather it be a goal
and if it has to be a wish, then I'd prefer to make it a prayer
so that I don't feel that my ambitions and aspirations have been sold.
for cheap.

So please don't think i'm bitter

Vaguely Remember

It's Crazy ain't I?
How I vaguely remember the dimples and curves of your face,
days go by and I don't let any images or reminders of you fill my mental space
but today I chose to be plagued.

I need to remember you,
Like pages in my diary or a favorite story from my past
I need to remember all the reasons we didn't last
because when i thought of you today...

I could only vaguely remember
the heartbeat that drummed against my rib cage, threatened to explode in my temples
when you used to "love" me.
Feelings of shame because I knew what i was thinking when u used to hug me
Words so sweet that oozed like molasses from ur lips and found themselves soaking in the mushiness of my brain
the tears-slidin'-down-my-window-pane-and-its-cold-outside-but-if-u-leaving-i'm -gonna-stand-outside-your-window-with-a-boombox-even-in-the-rain

i can only vaguely..remember
those feelings of love when I'm angry and can only vaguely remember the details of your betrayl when I miss you,
Today I need to remember it all... the good with the bad,
I need to leave you in my past, remember you in the present and not include you in my future.

Before today, I could only vaguely remember..you...and the picture was a little fuzy.

I don't understand...grieving

Wait a minute... i don't understand/things are all out of place/yesterday you were here and today and tomorrow you're gone forever/ its like the moment i see some sunshine here comes some rainy weather/ see i just dont get how I can go on and act like this is okay/ knowing that i'm gonna see u in heaven some day/ don't ease this pain that im feeling or lift this cloud over my head/ see some mornings i don't wanna even get out of bed/ because i know that if im there, there is a chance that i could still be dreaming/ and none of this has happened and in the inside im not screaming/

I don't understand... and now im confused because they just told me and i can't even visualize it, people are giving me their condolences and i don't even recognize it, they're waiting on the tears to drop like im tryna hide it/
There IS nothing to HIDE.. I just don't understand!

How yesterday we were pounding fists and shaking hands/ or how we were talking about the promise lands in future reference and now you made the future the present, im realizing that im gettin older and aint no reverse adolescents anything can happen and i need to get it together...at least that was the message.

However...i'm still not clear on how you're here today and gone tomorrow/ how we were just laughin and now i'm in sorrow/ how you get snatched from this earth or how you quietly leave/ how you took my tears with you and now its hard for me to grieve/
or how you were just sittin across from me... just talking to me...just walking with me... see that's the part that I can't conceive. and i don't want my last memories of u to be of ur death but I gotta look cuz I don't believe/ while standing in the line/now bouncing my knee because yesterday you were still here but today you're gone/ dressed in all this black, see now I have no choice but to move on whether I understand it or not/ willing myself with all that i've got to look/ thinking to myself how death is a crook because it stole you or you just got convinced and went with it...

even though its not clear to me and i don't understand, i just do what they tell u when in grief and hold on to God's unchanging hand/ letting him lead foward and afraid to look foward and even more afraid to look back thus i be turned to salt/ and He let me slip down in a crack.. hold on to his hand and hope that at the end of thhis journey/ i've fulfilled his plan/ and that we have all served his purpose/ and when its my turn to go I won't be nervous/ because i did what i was sent here to do/ and was not worthless/ that the pain that i'm feeling/Will make sense at the end of this madness.. that's all im asking... that's all I'm hoping for..

You Clipped My Left Wing

You clipped my left wing while I flapped the other freely, believing that I was getting away only to be flying in circles, landing back in your nest...

you clipped my left wing
in an attempt to steal my freedom
make me bow to you as king
and keep me in your supposed kingdom
or jail...

life with you has been hell and no matter
how much I try to fly I end up right back in your nest
'cause you've poisoned my mind and said I'd never make it
and I stayed,
because I felt that I coudn't do better I decided to stay and take it.

you clipped my left wing, confined me to this nest
and when I try to fly, I circle back into your nest..

I just wanna be free....really

There are serious dents in this perfect image. I hate how I can see a problem coming from a mile away but will still run up on it anyway. I spend so much time trying to see my future and running that I end up running back into traffic, pushing another individual out of the way and getting hit by the bus. When is it not my problem? When do I just walk away without looking over my shoulder and am unaffected?

I just wanna be free... I don't even wanna have to tuck my knees to fly. I wanna get so far away and up high thatI can stand tall and have no chances that my feet will touch the ground. I just wanna be free... I don't wnna think about it, I don't wanna worry about it, I don't wanna yearn for it nor do I want to need it. I just wanna be...free.