Vaguely Remember

It's Crazy ain't I?
How I vaguely remember the dimples and curves of your face,
days go by and I don't let any images or reminders of you fill my mental space
but today I chose to be plagued.

I need to remember you,
Like pages in my diary or a favorite story from my past
I need to remember all the reasons we didn't last
because when i thought of you today...

I could only vaguely remember
the heartbeat that drummed against my rib cage, threatened to explode in my temples
when you used to "love" me.
Feelings of shame because I knew what i was thinking when u used to hug me
Words so sweet that oozed like molasses from ur lips and found themselves soaking in the mushiness of my brain
the tears-slidin'-down-my-window-pane-and-its-cold-outside-but-if-u-leaving-i'm -gonna-stand-outside-your-window-with-a-boombox-even-in-the-rain

i can only vaguely..remember
those feelings of love when I'm angry and can only vaguely remember the details of your betrayl when I miss you,
Today I need to remember it all... the good with the bad,
I need to leave you in my past, remember you in the present and not include you in my future.

Before today, I could only vaguely remember..you...and the picture was a little fuzy.

I don't understand...grieving

Wait a minute... i don't understand/things are all out of place/yesterday you were here and today and tomorrow you're gone forever/ its like the moment i see some sunshine here comes some rainy weather/ see i just dont get how I can go on and act like this is okay/ knowing that i'm gonna see u in heaven some day/ don't ease this pain that im feeling or lift this cloud over my head/ see some mornings i don't wanna even get out of bed/ because i know that if im there, there is a chance that i could still be dreaming/ and none of this has happened and in the inside im not screaming/

I don't understand... and now im confused because they just told me and i can't even visualize it, people are giving me their condolences and i don't even recognize it, they're waiting on the tears to drop like im tryna hide it/
There IS nothing to HIDE.. I just don't understand!

How yesterday we were pounding fists and shaking hands/ or how we were talking about the promise lands in future reference and now you made the future the present, im realizing that im gettin older and aint no reverse adolescents anything can happen and i need to get it together...at least that was the message.

However...i'm still not clear on how you're here today and gone tomorrow/ how we were just laughin and now i'm in sorrow/ how you get snatched from this earth or how you quietly leave/ how you took my tears with you and now its hard for me to grieve/
or how you were just sittin across from me... just talking to me...just walking with me... see that's the part that I can't conceive. and i don't want my last memories of u to be of ur death but I gotta look cuz I don't believe/ while standing in the line/now bouncing my knee because yesterday you were still here but today you're gone/ dressed in all this black, see now I have no choice but to move on whether I understand it or not/ willing myself with all that i've got to look/ thinking to myself how death is a crook because it stole you or you just got convinced and went with it...

even though its not clear to me and i don't understand, i just do what they tell u when in grief and hold on to God's unchanging hand/ letting him lead foward and afraid to look foward and even more afraid to look back thus i be turned to salt/ and He let me slip down in a crack.. hold on to his hand and hope that at the end of thhis journey/ i've fulfilled his plan/ and that we have all served his purpose/ and when its my turn to go I won't be nervous/ because i did what i was sent here to do/ and was not worthless/ that the pain that i'm feeling/Will make sense at the end of this madness.. that's all im asking... that's all I'm hoping for..

You Clipped My Left Wing

You clipped my left wing while I flapped the other freely, believing that I was getting away only to be flying in circles, landing back in your nest...

you clipped my left wing
in an attempt to steal my freedom
make me bow to you as king
and keep me in your supposed kingdom
or jail...

life with you has been hell and no matter
how much I try to fly I end up right back in your nest
'cause you've poisoned my mind and said I'd never make it
and I stayed,
because I felt that I coudn't do better I decided to stay and take it.

you clipped my left wing, confined me to this nest
and when I try to fly, I circle back into your nest..

I just wanna be free....really

There are serious dents in this perfect image. I hate how I can see a problem coming from a mile away but will still run up on it anyway. I spend so much time trying to see my future and running that I end up running back into traffic, pushing another individual out of the way and getting hit by the bus. When is it not my problem? When do I just walk away without looking over my shoulder and am unaffected?

I just wanna be free... I don't even wanna have to tuck my knees to fly. I wanna get so far away and up high thatI can stand tall and have no chances that my feet will touch the ground. I just wanna be free... I don't wnna think about it, I don't wanna worry about it, I don't wanna yearn for it nor do I want to need it. I just wanna be...free.

Kanye West "Runaway"....Pt. 1 of 2

Kanye is... um... I don't know what to think about that "Runaway" video I just saw. The fact that he didn't do something that everyone does draws me to it. The fact that I'm not quite sure I understand it makes me run from it.

When you ask me... what I truly feel about Kanye's video I have to be graphic:

I feel like... He went inside me, dug super deep pulled out, left his impression but neglected to give me a release. I feel like he balled up my brain and then gave it back to me for me to use.

Those are my current thoughts of how I feel about the video since I don't yet understand it all.

Don't contact me/ Not in the mood to write..

I've been sitting here thinking about what I want to write and can't think of anything. I'm trying though because I know that I need to. So here is my attempt.

How can I change you?
I want you to be so much more
than you want to be
you want to lock me down, but you still wanna be free.
Let me go so I can fly with the birds
Let me go in more than one sense, not just words.

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

Our time is up
I want you in the past
Don't care what you're family said
All of ya'll can kiss my ass

They don't know our story
because even you werent in the know
I was doing this all by myself
and now to hell you can Go

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

This story has been written in ink
and aint no damn erasin
It's got down all the details
your drinking and your women chasin

My truth, your lies
those tears that I cried
my revenge when I kicked your car door in
this is all in red
Now there's nothing but black roses for ths relationship
because its dead.

Once again,

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

Bullet in the chamber,
hand on the trigger
trembling as I contemplate self-emancipation,
Peace for everybody? wondering about this dream I've been chasin'
I still didn't get high enough to achieve my goals
and I'm 6 months off of free-basin,'
quit the needle cold
picked up my pen no pencil so there'll be no erasin,
re-writing my life, using myself as my own motivation

Started doing just fine once I used my God as inspiration,
Saw exactly what his plan is for me. I'm his perfectly imperfect creation.
I keep the blinders on for the ones who practice their persuasion,
I'm usually on the right track though I get swayed on occasion.
I'm focused like I'm getting paid to live and it's amazin'.
I lit a fire to the grass around my feet because I'm moving so fast
you can call it a run for liberation
bra burning and blazing.
Fighting for equality and a new life
and I'm not asking for the shit, I'm takin' it...