He's Loving Him

An anger burned deep in her belly,
her words came hard and fast like bullets
but rained over me in a flood threatening to drown us both in negativity
A gray smog was overhead that threatened her sanity.

"How could he?" she asked me.
"When I Loved him with every part of me,
was willing to climb mountains to snag the moon and part the red sea?
Give him jewels from my womb, and willing to name my first son after him
how could he?

When I feel like I have spent several lifetimes chasing him
when we were slaves in one life and I was separated from him
only to finally think i have him,
but end up in love, stuck, now a slave TO him,
how could he?"

Her eyes looked up at me full of hurt and question,
How could I explain God's divine intervention?
That maybe this was yet another lesson,
or everything we think we want is the opposite of what we need.
How could I tell a woman this who is carrying that man's seed?

"I can't fix this," she said.
"I love him like a part of my flesh but even love has its limits,
This is more than just being intimate,
he gave more to him than to me and I'm not feeling it.
He's loving him so now who's loving me? she asked."

FOR YOU SIR

I'm not afraid of regular things. Well, I am. Spiders, Ostriches, animals way larger than me, typical things. I'm more afraid of failing than anything.

I had a friend once or someone I considered a friend. He had a few problems, nothing I didn't think with a lot of effort I couldn't help him with. I knew it would be hard, but I was up for the challenge. To start with, this guy did a lot of things that would make me turn my back on any other person, but because I felt like I could help, I let the insults and some of his other actions roll off my back. He wanted to date me, eventually. Though I knew I could be there as a friend, I knew I couldn't be there as a partner or significant other. I had read cases like his where a person who acts the way that he did and probably still does can get attached and when things don't work out, you will do that person more harm than good. It was kind of like a dependency issue. I couldn't deny that it would happen. People who SEEM to be perfectly emotionally stable had developed those issues with me. Those people depended on me as a friend though. A boyfriend with dependency issues on top of other said issues was something I didn't feel I could handle. It was also something I didn't think he could handle if it went south.

I tried to be a friend. Ignoring or lightly putting down advances and then I ran. I mean broke out in a sense, but didn't think that would end the friendship... but it did. He was angry of course and we didn't talk for months. Then out of the blue he makes contact again and gullible me thinking that all was well, continued the friendship only to see that his intentions were to try and make me look like a fool. I let him beat up on me a little while and then I couldn't handle it. I cut him off. Months went by again and some things seemed to have changed in his life for the better. I thought that with these new changes of his, we could be friends. For a few months things went smoothly and then like a sledge hammer,my obliviousness crashed me over the head. Not only had I been ignoring obvious and blatant signs AGAIN, I had been unknowingly feeding into them. However, I thought if I ignored the advances, because even if I felt similarly to the way he did, there was nothing that could be done about the situation, we could go back to being friends. Before I knew it, he played victim again and I was cut off.

Then I became angry. Clearly, I had more than made up for my running away in the beginning. I was frustrated that years later I was still being treated like shit and he was still playing the victim. I have grown tired of it and have decided at this point, I will no longer offer the hand of friendship. I felt guilty at first because I thought I turned my back on him but at this point, either he's going to get over it or he is not. Obviously he isn't. I'm going to make the decision easy for him. If he decides to reconnect he can kiss my ass. I definitely feel a certain way about a person whose intentions are to play games and obviously to see what can hurt me.

At some point in your life, you grow tired of bandaging yourself and began to cut first. I don't want to always be the one to draw the sword, but in his instance, if he and I cross paths I won't hesitate to throw him the cold shoulder. I have his phone number... I could have very easily called him, but actions speak louder than words and I'm sick of his words. I've shown more actions than words, but if there is a next time He will get neither...

I could care less if he reads this too. Lol. Good if he does. FOR YOU SIR: You're always searching for a reaction... here you go.. GOODBYE!

A Sore Thumb

I don't blend well. Often in crowds I still stick out whether its to be targeted for some bullshit or to be picked out as a person to be studied or watched. Don't watch me damnit! I am watching you! I stick out like a sore thumb sometimes. Not that I would ever want to be a copy of these females today. Some of these females are only concerned about social status and high heeled shoes. Two things I care absolutely nothing about.
I am selfish. I watch people for my own enjoyment and prefer not to be spotted because then I tend to spend more time trying not to be analyzed versus me doing the analyzing.

I guess I complain about standing out, but I actually don't mind all that much. Because I am that way I have met some pretty awesome individuals and contrary to popular belief and beginning to really LIVE and am having the time/struggle of my life. I say struggle because in my book, there is no happiness without pain and no success without rain.

Untitled.

I'm trying to put the negative energy elsewhere
not trying to stress, put on no weight or lose no hair,
I guess I feel some kinda way because the situation seems hopeless,
I get upset, and then I seem to lose focus.

A cloudy day and I just keep smilin' through that shit
all the while thinking one more word I just might hit
or throw a fit
but I keep my composure.
I either hit you with a smile or the cold shoulder.

Who cares what you sayin' cause I'm not really here,
been standing in this same place but my mind been gone since last year.
Threats falling on empty ears- I'm done listening
the devil whispering in one ear and yes he's kind of tempting

now who's to say that this is supposed to end this way?
I'm thinking i can hold on until a brighter day
but patience wears thin and i'm tired of holding
arms wrapped around this butterfly- feels like i'm choking.

I don't understand me sometimes

I'm human.

I make mistakes that I sometimes cannot fix, I make decisions that I sometimes cannot explain. Sometimes my heart speaks and my head listens. Sometimes my head speaks and my heart closes its ears. I get angry. I get confused. I get lost. And hell, let's be honest: Sometimes I'm moving and don't even know exactly where I'm going. I just keep on going as long as it looks like I'm moving forward...

I've hurt some people with my decisions. Even so... I have to say that though I'm sorry that I caused them some pain, I don't regret my decisions. I can love you like hell and still let you go. At some point I think it comes down to me or you. The decision has to be made.

What makes me weak? That I care much more about the feelings of other individuals than my own? Does it make me weak that allow certain individuals to dump their grief on me even when the issue isn't my fault or has nothing to do with me? I feel that I handle blame better than any other individual. So I keep my mouth shut and let others place their weight on my shoulders and attempt to push me down when their issue is not me. I don't understand me sometimes. I don't understand how I can let an individual slide and then chastise another individual for the same thing. It's almost like some people get a pass. When I see into a person, I sometimes see something that I know I can break. I see what I know I could possibly break and never fix so I choose to give that person a pass.

I guess its a good thing that I have this ability because I cause more good than harm... in my opinion. However, it gets tiring. I'm often exhausted from fighting a battle with individuals who have no idea that they are fighting or what we are fighting about. Exhausting.

Women and Ladies... The difference

A woman, to me, is classified as having her female parts. She has ovaries, vagina,and breasts. She has the ability to bare children. She is visibly recognizable as a female. Even women who dress as men are recognizable as female if you look hard enough. Somehow though, people have gotten a woman and a lady confused. A Lady, in my opinion, is one who carries herself as such. She has manners, knows her worth, walks with her head high, knows what situations cause for what action and appropriate behavior. You will never catch her with ass shot pictures or with her breasts out because she knows those assets should not be shared with anyone. She is more fluent with her words but can use her fists if need be, but it is always the very last resort.

Hard to find a REAL Man These Days...

Let me first state that I am a single, black female. I may also add that I am on my way to success and so far have managed to beat every stereotype thrown at me until the threat of being an "angry,bitter, black woman."

I look around day to day, not in search of a man or spouse but in search of a REAL man to at least give me some hope that REAL men still exist. So far I have been severely disappointed. The men act more like gossipy little girls. Some act like they do not know how to lead and would rather follow or do nothing at all. It is discouraging. Who is to blame? A lazy new generation or a generation that failed these men before they even had a chance to LOOK like men? I don't know. I really wish I had the answer.

Men who gossip, instigate cat fights between their women in the street as if they are no more than dogs and wait to see who comes out last so they can boast. Men who put their hands on women. Men who take pride in sitting at home while their significant other works and they smoke weed all day. Men who don't know how to take control of when needed and cower behind excuses. I can't take it. Maybe I'm just old fashion. I need a man around me who knows that I can handle my own, but knows when to stand in the front and when to stand at my side. who wants to bring something to the table as well as I do. A man who knows that he had better not put his hands on me or any woman for that matter.

I'm not saying there are no REAL men these days, but I am saying that they are far and few in between. And FYI to those who read this: A "REAL NIGGA" is NOT a "REAL MAN". The definition of that is all jacked up and I wish my black men would stop saying that foolishness.