Hell of a Day (May 2011)

I woke up and was still tired. Didn’t leave the house when I wanted to. A couple people blew their horns at me today like I was in their way. I forgot my coat and had to sit in a cold ass classroom. Realized an hour into class my shirt was on backwards and I couldn’t change it or people would notice. I scrubbed the front of my car on the curb. Didn’t get any planet smoothie cuz rent is coming up. Charged some stuff to wear to my bro graduation and spent way too much. Had a doc appt. that scared the hell out of me. There is no sweets in my house. My grandfather died this year and today is his birthday. I drive his car…which got the back windshield SMASHED out of it by a tree today…. so yeah.

Happy (2011)

I don’t know what it is… I don’t know if its because I’m changing or if its because had a good weekend… but im so happy. I’m literally smiling from the inside out. Nothing particular has occurred, not that i can remember. I just got the smiles. =) Stress free weekend…. i guess im ready for the week to start lol. Now back to work, school, and worryin about a car.

Dear Daddy (2 days after Father's Day 2011)

I thought I would make it through Father’s Day and not have a sentimental thought in my head…. I somehow managed to put it away until today… basically two days later. I am beginning to forget what your voice sounds like. It’s scary. I talked to uncle today and his voice made me feel some kind of way because they two of you sound a little alike…if i can remember correctly. You have only been dead 3 yrs and i am already starting to forget things about you. important things. Sometimes I fight with the good memories because they try to leave me and the bad memories won’t. I just wish that you didn’t have to leave so early before we had time to work things our and before you could see what I would make of myself or if I would ever get married and have children.

I know that I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, but I am really having a hard time. It’s like I get so far ahead in the line, turn around and realize you aren’t with me and try to go back to drag you along… I want to heal, but I never want to forget you.

After three years, damn, it still hurts almost as much as it did the day it happened.

Until next time,

Frog

Learning to Let Go (moved from Tumblr)

I imagine some of my friends to sometimes be smaller children on bicycles with training wheels. Once they are riding the bike without the training wheels, I tend to watch awhile, casually waving at them when they look back over their shoulder… then I just disappear. They have rode so far away that before they know it, I’m a speck who fades into nothingness and they can no longer see me. This doesn’t bother me so much. People grow, and people change. I learned a while ago that everyone is not lifetime. Some are seasonal and should be kept as such. I let God place them there, and then I let God take them out.

On the other hand, sometimes, for sanity’s sake, I have had to remove myself from the lives of people. If I feel as if I’m being abused, and I cant take anymore… I’ll leave. No need to keep hanging around and being accused of things that I haven’t done or did not do. I’ve lost a few friends because of this and one not so long ago. I’ve learned though, that sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes holding on can make it so much worse

Let it go, let it go! (moved from Tumblr 2011)

I know…easier said than done but i’m a real friend. ask me… and i’ll encourage you to make a decision you can live with. no im not tellin u what to do. Not my place. but sometimes u got to let that shit go!

If the same shit keeps reoccurring…. let it go
he still cheatin…. let it go
she still cheatin…. let it go
ya’ll fighting the same war every two months… let it go.
I’m sorry, it aint that much passion in the damn world to be fighting over DUMB SHIT EVERYDAY. Now believe me when i say, I’ll go the distance and a couple of good rounds if I love you. But if we both aren’t happy and we keep trying and trying only to keep failing… well, I have to set you free so that we can both live. We are squeezing one another way too damn tight, suffocating ourselves and losing our very breath and with those last breaths we are fighting for something that just shouldn’t be. I”m just sayin… (Random thoughtS)

A Dream (Moved From Tumblr 2011)

Had a dream that I died. It was strange. I remember thinking as I walked up to the snow white gates, “Is this Heaven? Could I have really made it?” As I walked upon clouds, they suddenly turned into streets of gold. To my left and two my right where buildings that were extravagantly built, showing billboards of every concert that was occuring. I stumbled into one and found Amy Winehouse, dressed in all white singing on the stage. I sat down between Billie Holiday and Tupac. I thought about asking him if heaven had a ghetto but he had his pen on his lap, writing a new poem on paper. Ray Charles was playing the piano and Marilyn Monroe was sitting in the front row. Aaliyah and Left Eye were sitting behind me side by side.

IT was crazy.

I left and entered another building with marble floors. The room was empty but My poster was on stage. I took my poetry book out of my bookbag and sat on the stool.

But tonight, where's the vodka? (Moved from Tumblr 2010)

I want to…scream. i want to yell into my head is threatening to pop off my body. I want to cry until I feel better, until my eyes are red and round with tears. I was so close. I want to punch things, kick things, threaten people and even throw my shoes… but what would that fix? I’m not going to do any of those things because they don’t solve anything. I refuse to admit any weaknesses aloud. only typed or printed. So to the outside world, its fuck it. yet inside its so damn close but yet so far away. SMH. Damn can’t things just be simple.. for once? Why do I have to balance and work so hard for everydamn thing? LOL, how spoiled does that sound. Tonight I internally grieve. Tomorrow… fuck that shit. But tonight…where’s the Vodka?