Let me be free

Chains bind around my body and he teases me
perched on the window sill willing me to break free
The more I stretch my wings, the tighter the chains become and I realize I am swelling from all of the struggle to no avail...

So as I sit in my personal jail
he taunts me with his freedom
And I just know that without him I'm stuck
and his love is the key to the kingdom
and without it i can't get away from my mental hell...

He sings a beautiful song of freedom
because he has stolen my voice
He makes me think that I need him
Like I have no choice.

It got too cold one day
and he flew away
and I opened my eyes and my cage was open
my voice was back,
my wings were free... I didn't need him afterall

Untitled

Blue pellets hit the tablet and leak from my pen
Not only did I lose an ally, I lost a “bestfriend”
While God was steadily tellin me no, I was nodding my head yes
I was determined to befriend you no matter how much He pulled at my chest.
Your lies were like spit, pelting my face
Yet I wiped my eyes and looked over it
And never once evaluated your case.
How stupid of me to lose me
In deception and lies for something so sweet
And evil that would cause me to cry?
They say misery loves company and you must have been one lonely soul
That’s why you chose to pull me down in your bullshit, and give me your cold
Shoulder and kept my warm heart just to keep yourself alive.
How selfish were you to keep what’s mine and will me to die?
Now I would be mean to snatch that shit back and leave you empty
But you can have it, I don’t need it because now I have myself as my security….

Blue pellets hit the tablet and leak from my pen…
I don’t need you as my bestfriend..nor my enemy..
Let the story of ME begin….WORD

A change

So, as I said this year, 2010 was about change and bettering self. Now, I feel like in just this last month alone, I have done almost a complete 360. I'm not finished though. My next step is to free myself from the things that bind me. The first thing to go is some weight. I had already decided on this but my friend put it back in my mind. The mental is a little deeper than that. I guess what I've gotta do it take it one step at a time. So... I guess I'm gonna try to look at this weight thing as something that people don't think i can do so I'll beast in it. I got a lot to accomplish this year. I already got it crackin but its time to get it poppin'. BOOM! Let's do it!

Untitled

Passion built up inside my chest like the fires of a million houses
being watered down by millions of buckets of drips of water
That's how I feel
You give me JUST enough to keep me from dying
but not enough to quench my thirst

You smother and re-ignite my flame
Lighting me up and then throwing your blanket over my heat
drowning me in pain
but forcing in your sunshine
so bright that my eyes hurt...

Passion
built up in my soul like bricks to a chimmney
and you're the one blowing the smoke.
Not one soothing word from your mouth is worth a grain of salt...
Excuse me, not woth a "shit" but I keep coming back.

I keep coming back
Letting you lead me right off of this cliff
push me right (WRITE) over the edge
and its all because you keep giving me what I've been missing...
passion...

The heartbreak of an Elusive Writing Career.

Love knows no lies

My heart is pounding and this adrenaline rush that I'm feeling is enough to drive me insane. I can't keep my hands busy enough so I grab a pen and just write my name all over pieces of paper. Then pen is clutched so tightly in my hand that I'm beginning to get a cramp but I've just got to do something.

He lied. He lied to me. The simplest lies have started to snowball into bigger ones. The more he lies, the more he has to keep lying and the madder I get. I'm too hurt to express it in words. I'm too hurt to even cry. I just want to find him, find him and lay my hands on him.

The clock above the kitchen counter was ticking and working my nerves. Every tick reminded me that Amari was nowhere to be found. Every tick reminded me that I had yet to hear from his lying ass all day.

I still heard her voice in my ears as she told me that the child in question was his child. This new baby that was born less than a month ago belonged to my man of two years. How could I deal with this? The man who was supposed to be the father of my first child had spilled his seeds into some chick. She had even had a boy. Had the nerve to make him a junior and Amari hadn't told me a thing. This chick had to call me and tell me about my man.

So many emotions ran through my body. I was too many things at one time and my body was confused. I didn't know whether I would break down when I finally saw him or try to beat him. I had been thinking of the perfect murder for the last fifteen minutes. How to kill him, dispose of the body and never get caught. Then I decided that I'm not sneaky enough and that killing him would hurt me way more than this.

What I didn't get is how he could love me and cheat on me. How could he tell me that we were having out first child together or that we were getting married knowing, knowing, that he had a child on the way with someone else? Is this what love is? Lies and deception? If it is, then I want out!Love does not keep secrets or lie. Love is honest and pure, all of that fairy tale ish I had read in books... or so I thought.

Amari walked in as I was going back to my plan of killing him as if nothing had happened. Timberlands half laced, baggy jeans, oversized hoody and all. I wanted to tie the hoodie's drawstring around his neck. And when I asked him about it, I knew it was true. The look on his face told it all. He gave me no response when i asked him why. So I did what I had to do. I told him I was leaving. And do you know what he did? He let me. He said that if I would be happier without him than he loved me enough to let me leave. Bullshit, if I ever heard it, but whatever. As I walked out the door I said, "If you loved me, you would explain. You would make things better. You would fight for me. You would fight for us! You wouldn't let me just walk out." Then I left. In my mind I was waiting, even though I had driven across the Georgia state lines... for him to call... to come after me. He never did. So what does this mean? Does this mean he never loved me or does this mean he's too in love with himself to ever be in love with anyone else?

Passion won't let me truly get over him and neither will love. Its a thing line between Love and hate and he has definitely showed me that. I hated him and loved him at the same time and I wondered if given the opportunity would I kill him. Probably. That's why I didn't go back.

Don't pick on the Holy Spirit...

cuz the Holy Spirit will pick on you.

I used to always imitate people catching the Holy Ghost because to me it was funny. People were always "shouting" around me and I'd come home and do it. Smh...wrong thing to do.

Well for the longest I thought those folks was faking... I'm sorry, I did! I was young and didn't know any better. For you all who don't believe in the holy ghost...hmmpph. Gon' head and play with him and see.

Well, I was sitting in church. I was probably around fifteen or sixteen. Mind you, I'd been imitating people catch the holy ghost since i was big enough to imitate it. Well anyway, I was sitting on a bench, and this particular Sunday I happened to be paying attention. I don't remember what the message was about 'cause I'm gettin' old. But anyway, I happened to be paying attention and I remember getting a little angtsy 'cause the Pastor was like he used to say, "Stepping on toes." Well whatever he said had stepped on mine. And it seem like he KEPT stepping on them. Everything he talked about seemed like it was directed at me. Or like a friend I work with says, "That joker had read my mail" (Cracks me up everytime). For those who missed that, basically, Pastor knew all my business. lol. Anyway, I don't know what happened. I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it happened but I had the uncontrollable urge to cry.

Now I know what ya'll are thinking. Ya'll don't understand! Back then I didn't do tears! Sure, I'm a little tree-hugger now, but back then tears were not my thing. So not only was I confused, i was now shocked. Then I got this uncontrollable urge to get up. I didn't wanna turn no cartwheels and whatnot, but I felt like I had to do something. Something was really heavy on my back and would not get off. I can't even describe it.

Now, as I was crying...and didn't know why lol, I was trying to pull myself together. And I did...once I saw this other Pastor layin hands. I used to be terrified of that kind of thing. I had never passed out before and from what I had seen before, when the Pastor touched your forehead you were out...and I didn't want no parts of it lol.

That was just the first time and ever since then I get randonly struck sometimes with the same indescribable feeling. It's usually when I start reflecting about things I've been through and a church songs hits me just right and I might start crying and that's about it. Well, recently, I went to work out at the gym. I had a lot on my mind and needed to relieve some stress. In my shuffle of songs as I'm racing myself on the elliptical, I come across some gospel. All is cool until Shirley start talking to me. All I know is when she got to the part that says, "You been tellin' lies Satan," in my mind I was like, "HE SURE HAS!" I started thinking about things that were on my mind and what she was saying and my ramblings about thinking positive and got too carried away and yelled out, "JEEEEESSSUUUUSS!" and almost hopped off of the elliptical...smh. Needless to say during that moment I could have cared less who was watching me almost fall off that elliptical face first. I didn't care who heard me randomly call on Jesus...smh...I'm talking about feet came up OFF the pedals like i was about to HOP! People next to me was giving me the side-eye, moving off their machines..smh and AT THE TIME, I wasn't the least bit embarrassed.

So I tell you that to tell you this...The Spirit is VERY MUCH real...play with it if you want to and see what happens.

Goodbye Love

As he lay dying in her arms she wondered was there anything she could have done to change the now. What if she could do something different and the outcome be different?

Meshon was losing streams of blood faster than she could draw her next breath and she wasn't sure how long he nor she would make it. Though the bullet had pierced his chest she was more in danger of dying than he.

Meshon's eyes were barely open and what little sight he had he used to see Ciara. Though his chest was burning and he was in the most excruciating pain of his life, the pain in her eyes hurt him the most. If he could stand up and suddenly be fine he would. The pain that she suffered was much to deep for him to bare.

Ciara held Meshon's hand so tight that her soft brown hands were reddening around the knuckes. Her other hand was placed across Meshon's bullet wound. No matter how much pressure she applied, Meshon's blood still flowed around her fingers, spilling across her knuckles and his shirt. The copper smell filled the air and burned Ciara's already tearful eyes.

Ciara's chest was on fire from trying to hold her breath and her tears,afraid that sobs would rack her body. She had to be strong. The love of her life was slipping into non-existence as she watched but she had to be calm.

Meshon's chest was still burning. He couldn't cry or his body would shake and cause more pain. Breathing was hard. A thousand little knives were stabbing at his heart and his breathing grew more shallow by the second. He couldn't cry or look scared. He had to be strong for her.

Meshon slipped away within the next few minutes as Ciara prayed in her mind, never breaking eye contact. Sirens wailed in the distance, coming to save a man that had already gone home. A man that had left here way too early because of someone else's ignorance. An innocent man had died in the misfire of gang violence.

Before Meshon was shot he'd asked her how much she loved him and she couldn't answer. She knew he probably thought it was because she didn't love him but at the time she could express herself. So as he lay dead she told him...

"I love you more than any person could feel love for anybody or thing. I love you more than life itself and if you're not going to be in it, I have no sense of being."
Ciara took her bloody hand and touched her heart. "My heart, isn't mine because you have been carrying it around since the day i met you. These eyes," she pointed to her eyes, "have only been on you. My rib, came from you Meshon, so that I would forever be a part of you."

Ciara took her hands and closed Meshon's eyes to the world forever."Goodbye Love."


Senseless murder took away the only love that Ciara and Meshon had ever known...Think before you act...please.

Wanting

There have been times where I have wanted something physical or material that I could literally feel what it would be like to have it. I mean, I guess it's like wanting that new ipod so bad you can almost feel it in your hands everytime you watch a commercial. I've been like that about things before but mine has been emotional feelings.

What's weird is sitting around and feeling some kind of way and not being able to express it. I could be so happy sometimes and have no clue what to do to relieve that feeling. I can almost feel myself happy enough that I could just scream but I won't do it. Lol. I don't know if I won't do it because I'll feel stupid or embarrassed or if I just...can't.

On the opposite end, sometimes I can be so sad but I can't cry. The tears won't fall but I want the relief so bad I can feel the tears running down my cheeks even though they are still dry. I'm assuming on my end its just pent up emotion that I've only allowed myself to acknowledge this year. How I'm feeling at the moment though? Well, laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and smile through it all. lol.