Love knows no lies

My heart is pounding and this adrenaline rush that I'm feeling is enough to drive me insane. I can't keep my hands busy enough so I grab a pen and just write my name all over pieces of paper. Then pen is clutched so tightly in my hand that I'm beginning to get a cramp but I've just got to do something.

He lied. He lied to me. The simplest lies have started to snowball into bigger ones. The more he lies, the more he has to keep lying and the madder I get. I'm too hurt to express it in words. I'm too hurt to even cry. I just want to find him, find him and lay my hands on him.

The clock above the kitchen counter was ticking and working my nerves. Every tick reminded me that Amari was nowhere to be found. Every tick reminded me that I had yet to hear from his lying ass all day.

I still heard her voice in my ears as she told me that the child in question was his child. This new baby that was born less than a month ago belonged to my man of two years. How could I deal with this? The man who was supposed to be the father of my first child had spilled his seeds into some chick. She had even had a boy. Had the nerve to make him a junior and Amari hadn't told me a thing. This chick had to call me and tell me about my man.

So many emotions ran through my body. I was too many things at one time and my body was confused. I didn't know whether I would break down when I finally saw him or try to beat him. I had been thinking of the perfect murder for the last fifteen minutes. How to kill him, dispose of the body and never get caught. Then I decided that I'm not sneaky enough and that killing him would hurt me way more than this.

What I didn't get is how he could love me and cheat on me. How could he tell me that we were having out first child together or that we were getting married knowing, knowing, that he had a child on the way with someone else? Is this what love is? Lies and deception? If it is, then I want out!Love does not keep secrets or lie. Love is honest and pure, all of that fairy tale ish I had read in books... or so I thought.

Amari walked in as I was going back to my plan of killing him as if nothing had happened. Timberlands half laced, baggy jeans, oversized hoody and all. I wanted to tie the hoodie's drawstring around his neck. And when I asked him about it, I knew it was true. The look on his face told it all. He gave me no response when i asked him why. So I did what I had to do. I told him I was leaving. And do you know what he did? He let me. He said that if I would be happier without him than he loved me enough to let me leave. Bullshit, if I ever heard it, but whatever. As I walked out the door I said, "If you loved me, you would explain. You would make things better. You would fight for me. You would fight for us! You wouldn't let me just walk out." Then I left. In my mind I was waiting, even though I had driven across the Georgia state lines... for him to call... to come after me. He never did. So what does this mean? Does this mean he never loved me or does this mean he's too in love with himself to ever be in love with anyone else?

Passion won't let me truly get over him and neither will love. Its a thing line between Love and hate and he has definitely showed me that. I hated him and loved him at the same time and I wondered if given the opportunity would I kill him. Probably. That's why I didn't go back.