What am i doing?

I just want to understand what it is that I'm doing right now. I'm hanging in there, but I don't know why. These invisible tears have been falling from my eyes for months now with no clear sign of relief. Feels like an eternity when things just aren't right in your heart or your mind. I can't figure out what I'm doing in this place that was designed to trap me and drain all of my bodily fluids. This chamber beats so hard that I am trapped within it and there is nothing for me to do but beat on its walls, cause more palpitations and hope that I don't die of heartbreak.

How many more times do I have to go through this. This makes attempt 3045860386667870308586 and 4. I've tried to keep my mind steady on things that are above me instead of infront of me. I've been trying to reach up instead of out for so long that I've grown tired of reaching anywhere so I just place my arms by my side.

My head is heavy from holding it up so high that my neck is sore and my eyes are hurt from the sun. Yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I look straight ahead instead of up I'll break. This ice chamber will surely shatter if I look down. I've got to keep looking up at the sun. I need this beating distraction to stop icing up and melt but every...time... I look down... there is my beautiful disaster. Waiting to plunge himself into my heart and shatter the very thing that I keep holding on to...

I can't see it coming down my eyes...so... I gotta make this post cry. If crying would take this away I would gladly lie down and do it... I cannot believe this is happening right now.. I gotta keep my head tilted up and rasie my arms up and not out...Reaching and looking forward always makes me fall...smh