I gotta put it to rest

Now I put you to rest
I fought as hard as I could
and I know you're sorry, damn sorry indeed
and I know you apologized and I thought that it was enough but it wasn't.
I thought I would be happy with the "I'm sorry if I..."
but damnit it just ain't enough.

Perhaps I'm just going through.
And the fact that I'm basically submerged in your existence doesn't make it much better. Your whole life seems to revolve around me like a straight jacket and any more of this and I'll go insane...

I play super strong but what I really wanted to tell you was..."I keep letting you back in...and how can I explain myself?"(lauryn hill). And I know that I've got it twisted because for some odd reason I just can't LET it go. The cards have been knocked out of my hands and you've seen them all. At ths point your not even strategically playing your hand because you've written me off as an unworthy opponent...

Another night and daddy is still gone.

"Today came and left and you were still gone
It's been two years and I'm still trying to wake up
This nightmare has curled itself tightly into my reality and caused me to want to spend more time asleep than awake.

The rain keeps coming down outside and has now leaked inside
the tears are falling down my face and I'm suddenly submerged.
I can't stop the rain... and the pain is unbearable..." ~Me (Jasmine)

Eveytime I take the time to sit down and get myself together... I think about my dad. I carry on with life like he's still living..even though I say he's dead... Then someone else dies and I'm struck with a number of emotions... guilt, frustration, saddness, sympathy and empathy. Someone close to my younger brother died... and it wasn't like it was unexpected but how can you prepare for a death? Regardless of how sick someone was there is no preparing... only attempts to brace yourself for what is about to happen...

This whole time, I'm trying to think about something else and all I keep thinking about is how his DAUGHTER must be feeling. Knowing that she watched and stood by her father's side in the declining of his health... It's a lot to deal with. That feeling of suffocation when someone dies... It's like just walking and not having a particular destination. I felt like, people pushed me around most of the time 'cause I couldn't really think about it. The only way I could get myself together was to find something to be angry about...

Nights like these I miss my dad. Even if we didn't always get along, I wish he was here for me not to get along with. Sometmes I catch myself waiting on him to come back and have to remember that he never is... today was one of those days... Guess I'm going to sleep. Time to visit him in a dream

Submerged

I'm drowning...
I tried to test the waters with the tip of my toe
and you submerged me...

I have no life jacket and my swimming arms are weak
my lungs can't hold any more air and my legs are tired...

Why is it that when you accept something into your life, people think it is okay to involve you in it whole-heartedly? Like, did you ask me if I was okay with the role that you want me to play? Or did you simply assume since i was cool, I would go with it and shut up? Le sigh..I'm stuck... This time I'll go with it and keep my mouth shut, but I'm tired. Don't submerge me when I simply just wanted to take a look...

Bye

I've been waiting on the planets to align,
searching for some sign because I don't want to ask...
And as I lay here all I can think about is what you said to me last.."bye"
And maybe i'm bein too analytical but is this our forever?

And No, I know my limits so i keep my distance but my mind thinks without my saying so

and it asks me... that question...
and I firmly answer yes..this is our forever...

"bye"...

gone are the I love you's and Call you in the mornings because its like they never existed

so long ago it was that at this point i can't even say i miss it...
I don't remember what i feels like to be wrapped up in you or need to be around you 24-7

I don't have that euphoric feeling of being in heaven... it's absent...

"Bye"... that's our forever

I can't give you...

I can't give you shit
not a promise, not a swear and not another minute of my time
I can't even offer you my forgiveness because the way you played me is forever embedded in my mind.
The things that I'm even THINKING about you right now have got to be a crime
along with the words I miss you, love you, need you, hate you and all of that
but you just keep killing me softly and I keep coming back...
somebody stop the maddness cuz he got me hemmed up to the wall but im the one holdin the knife to my own throat
cuz im thinking if i just release some of the pressure my soul will be light and i can float
but if i keep talkin to u then its murder she wrote
or more like its death by suicide... cuz I've walked into a field with land mines and paid no attention to where i stepped.

I was too busy reaching foward that i forgot to reach up to Him and leaned out for you and you let me fall
face down in the blood that you left when you took my heart with you in your pocket.

Face down in your negligence... as I was too busy planning a life for US and you were planning a life for just YOU and NEGLECTED to inform me of your decision

so no.. I can't give you SHIT, not a second, a minute, another hour out of my day
because I've given all that i can give, the right and the left hemispheres of my brain, all of my heart and have nothing to gain from this bitter "exchange".
and there's nothing else for me to say.

I Am NOT My Hair

In 2009, I cut it off. I don't know what it is about women. Somebody pisses us off and we cut OUR hair off lol. I just felt like I needed a change. I needed something new. It would have been shorter, but my beautician of the time was like, "no ma'am".

Sometimes we cut our hair to start over, to release some of the dead weight. For example, like when people who crave control do things that others won't or wouldn't think to do. It's because they know they can control it. The cutting of the hair is the same thing. I may not be able to control what is going on around me right now, but I can control my hairstyles or the length of my hair! It made my face look rounder, but for the first time you can actually see my eyes. lol. Usually my eyes are half closed. I've grown it back since then, but isn't it a great thing? lol.

Stalker Songs...

People, people...my people...please stop playing songs like "In My Mind" by Heather Headley when you and you're now-not-so-significant other part ways. It's not cute and it makes you a stalker believe it or not. lol. It''s a beautiful song, but think about it! "In my mind, I'll always be his lady...in my mind I'll always be his girl." I vibed to this song so hard when i had a little break up and then one day, I woke up and wondered... "does this make me a stalker now?" lol.

Don't be mad ya'll, I'm just sayin... if someone breaks up with you and you still thinking that they didn't there is a serious issue here that requires some attention! FLAG ON THE PLAY! lol. I'm going to need you to come out of the bushes and realize he/she has moved on and you should too! Put awaay the tissues and housecoat, put the Vodka away and grab a bottle of Moscotto. It's time to stop liquorin it up and start divinely celebrating. Especially if you did all that you could to save the relationship. Out with the bad...in with the new! It's a new DAY!

Your worth

"My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, flyer... didn't you know this...or didn't you notice?"- Jill Scott.

I say, stop trying to make someone see your worth when they are clearly seeing blind... Many of you probably don't know what I mean by, "seeing blind". It means they SEE you but they don't SEE you. They know that you are in their presence or in front of them, but your worth, your value, your beauty is hidden from the naked eye and they miss it. They or either too blind, too stupid or just straight up refuse to see you are...so why waste your time?

We all want that one person to see who we are, who we want them to see. Here's the thing: You can't MAKE anyone see you the way you see yourself. Some people are just afraid of the truth. Afraid that they may see something in you that reminds them of what a sorry ass ('scuse me) person that they are. For instance, people who dress up in that shiny shit to get attention or look better than they already are have a major issue with us plain dressers. We have no problem dressing down and letting who we are shine through. The flashers need a distraction. They want people to be so drawn in by the fact that they are shiny and new that they realize its just shit wrapped in expensive..shit lol.

Stone Cold

I've got this ice pick
I'm trying to fight my stubborness because in my mind you need my help,
you've gone cold because you don't feel...anything.
I've slit my wrist and showed you the blood, but you've not felt anything. You've not even held my other hand to tell me it would be okay nor gave me a bandaid...

So I've got this ice pick and I'm about to free us both. i'm about to liberate us both because in my mind i know that this can't be you.... you've gone stone cold...and without you to care or without me to care this is a no-win situation. I'm slowly icing over, freezing up on the inside and when you decide to thaw, I won't be here. I'll have slid away to someone else. Someone else will thaw this ice that you let form.. so i've got this ice pick... if i can chissel just close enough to your heart to kiss it back to life then I'll do it in hopes that I won't chissel to deep and shatter us both...

You've gone stone cold like you have no feeling, I've slit my wrists and you watched me bleed.