"Today came and left and you were still gone
It's been two years and I'm still trying to wake up
This nightmare has curled itself tightly into my reality and caused me to want to spend more time asleep than awake.
The rain keeps coming down outside and has now leaked inside
the tears are falling down my face and I'm suddenly submerged.
I can't stop the rain... and the pain is unbearable..." ~Me (Jasmine)
Eveytime I take the time to sit down and get myself together... I think about my dad. I carry on with life like he's still living..even though I say he's dead... Then someone else dies and I'm struck with a number of emotions... guilt, frustration, saddness, sympathy and empathy. Someone close to my younger brother died... and it wasn't like it was unexpected but how can you prepare for a death? Regardless of how sick someone was there is no preparing... only attempts to brace yourself for what is about to happen...
This whole time, I'm trying to think about something else and all I keep thinking about is how his DAUGHTER must be feeling. Knowing that she watched and stood by her father's side in the declining of his health... It's a lot to deal with. That feeling of suffocation when someone dies... It's like just walking and not having a particular destination. I felt like, people pushed me around most of the time 'cause I couldn't really think about it. The only way I could get myself together was to find something to be angry about...
Nights like these I miss my dad. Even if we didn't always get along, I wish he was here for me not to get along with. Sometmes I catch myself waiting on him to come back and have to remember that he never is... today was one of those days... Guess I'm going to sleep. Time to visit him in a dream
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