Brown Skins (2011)

I’ve got this thing with brown skin. I’m infatuated, moved by it, even in love with it. Not to say there is anything wrong with any other skin, but its something about the shades of brown skin that do something to me.

When I am walking through a mall and a mocha-toned brother walks by me with a high yellow brother and a chocolate colored man on the side, i’m intrigued. The way their colors blend against life’s background, making it the canvas and them the picture, does something to me.

When a straight or gay brown couple two different tones or even the same complexion walks in front of me, its beautiful… i don’t know what it is with me and brown skin!

Just To Fit In

I don’t care nothin about fitting in. That mess is for the people who have lost or can’t find themselves. I haven’t been lost in a long time and I found me a long time ago.

Yea, sometimes my decisions leave me by myself and believe it or not, I am completely okay with that. I figure I was born by myself and leaving this earth the same way isn’t a problem. I just sit back and observe people of today. Everybody in such a rush to be like somebody else. shrugs I figure if something that I want to do is just like what someone else is doing… that’s cool too because I wanted to do it. If not, well, let’s just say I have no problem standing with my back to a crowd

I Wait

I wait
Everyday waiting on him to shower me with the love that I deserve
Realize that I am a woman and even though I’ve got hills more than curves
I’m worth it
This beat in my chest is bumping like a bass
heart PLEASE be still as I look at his face
and into his eyes.
Trying to replace that smile in my heart with a scowl
because this is dangerous.
unexplored territory and his smile took all of my defenses
My face- uncamouflaged amd i’ve lost my senses
endless
thoughts of you loving me
and me being that she that you so often talk about…
I wait…
anticipating the harsh realities of rejection
knowing that i’m about to learn my lesson
and i still cannot find the strength to pull back

Pardon Me 2010

Pardon me, For not casting my heart to the first man who promised me unconditional love and support when I felt he was selling me a dream. When i didn’t open my legs to invite in something I wasn’t so sure about and knew it wasn’t what it seemed.

Pardon me, For opting for a truth and refusing the fairytale and the lie Pessimistic maybe but love can be sadistic if u aren’t careful. One minute ur whole and the next u can be gutless and slit to ur navel.#just sayin

Pardon me… for being slightly turned off by the flock of men who hide their true colors and pretend to be saints and saviors… To me and all our neighbors

Pardon me for being just a little hesitant when I try to show u that I am a woman first and then a lady And u still try to treat me as if I’m ur bitch or ur hoe…

So yeah I’m a bit hesitant. Mankind treats me like a robot that is not yet ready for an unexcepting world- trying to turn me into something that I’m not or blend me in…

Untitled

The fussing and fighting

Pretending not to be mad

Moving on and pretending it doesn’t hurt

Feelings of revenge

unable to control the tears

the he said, she said….

I don’t want any of that. What I do want…

is the passion, the disagreements that end in understanding or at least compromise.

The I hate you but I love you so much at the same time that I’m not going anywhere.

That i can deal with.

I Am

The girl who doesn’t cry at funerals usually, but days before will do quick 60 second cries in bathrooms,closets, and even as I walk away from you and manages to pull on a blank face by the time I’ve turned around.

The girl who will openly cry at weddings when I know that the two people are doing the most precious and sacred thing but probably have no idea how intense and serious it is to promise ur love in front of God.

The girl who laughs when things get awkward.

The girl who makes jokes just to see someone smile even if I’m not smiling on the inside.

The girl who lives in a laugh from someone elses throat.

The girl who gets her feelings hurt and skips from sad to pissed.

The girl who would give up time with anyone outside of family to be with family because I realize they won’t be here forever.

The girl who loves emotional attachments as long as I’m not the one emotionally attached.

The girl who isn’t afraid of risks but doesn’t chance anything for fear of failure.

The girl who can’t seem to say no when I’m depended on.

I am all of these things…and id never apologize for being a single one of them

May 21.2011

Really? For real? Seriously?

I don’t doubt SOMETHING will happen on that day. A person will jump out of a window, a thunderstorm will occur, a store will get robbed and yes, MAYBE even an Earthquake in some part of the world (tho i hope not) will probably happen. However, I really don’t think it is judgement day. I mean, how much sense would it make for us to know what is about to happen? Does it not say in the Bible that when that day comes NO man will know? I trust that book more than I trust a human being. I will say, however, that the thought makes me a little nervous. I mean, there isn’t much doubt in my mind that on this particular instance I am right. I mean, people were wrong about 2000, right?I just hope no one does anything crazy thinking, “just in case its the last day,” and end up in a horrible situation on Sunday morning.

I’m not really worried either because there are some things that are supposed to occur before this rapture that has not happened yet. We should also be living like everyday could possibly be judgement day… I haven’t been so I’m not throwing stones but I’m just saying.

Hell of a Day (May 2011)

I woke up and was still tired. Didn’t leave the house when I wanted to. A couple people blew their horns at me today like I was in their way. I forgot my coat and had to sit in a cold ass classroom. Realized an hour into class my shirt was on backwards and I couldn’t change it or people would notice. I scrubbed the front of my car on the curb. Didn’t get any planet smoothie cuz rent is coming up. Charged some stuff to wear to my bro graduation and spent way too much. Had a doc appt. that scared the hell out of me. There is no sweets in my house. My grandfather died this year and today is his birthday. I drive his car…which got the back windshield SMASHED out of it by a tree today…. so yeah.

Happy (2011)

I don’t know what it is… I don’t know if its because I’m changing or if its because had a good weekend… but im so happy. I’m literally smiling from the inside out. Nothing particular has occurred, not that i can remember. I just got the smiles. =) Stress free weekend…. i guess im ready for the week to start lol. Now back to work, school, and worryin about a car.

Dear Daddy (2 days after Father's Day 2011)

I thought I would make it through Father’s Day and not have a sentimental thought in my head…. I somehow managed to put it away until today… basically two days later. I am beginning to forget what your voice sounds like. It’s scary. I talked to uncle today and his voice made me feel some kind of way because they two of you sound a little alike…if i can remember correctly. You have only been dead 3 yrs and i am already starting to forget things about you. important things. Sometimes I fight with the good memories because they try to leave me and the bad memories won’t. I just wish that you didn’t have to leave so early before we had time to work things our and before you could see what I would make of myself or if I would ever get married and have children.

I know that I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, but I am really having a hard time. It’s like I get so far ahead in the line, turn around and realize you aren’t with me and try to go back to drag you along… I want to heal, but I never want to forget you.

After three years, damn, it still hurts almost as much as it did the day it happened.

Until next time,

Frog

Learning to Let Go (moved from Tumblr)

I imagine some of my friends to sometimes be smaller children on bicycles with training wheels. Once they are riding the bike without the training wheels, I tend to watch awhile, casually waving at them when they look back over their shoulder… then I just disappear. They have rode so far away that before they know it, I’m a speck who fades into nothingness and they can no longer see me. This doesn’t bother me so much. People grow, and people change. I learned a while ago that everyone is not lifetime. Some are seasonal and should be kept as such. I let God place them there, and then I let God take them out.

On the other hand, sometimes, for sanity’s sake, I have had to remove myself from the lives of people. If I feel as if I’m being abused, and I cant take anymore… I’ll leave. No need to keep hanging around and being accused of things that I haven’t done or did not do. I’ve lost a few friends because of this and one not so long ago. I’ve learned though, that sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes holding on can make it so much worse

Let it go, let it go! (moved from Tumblr 2011)

I know…easier said than done but i’m a real friend. ask me… and i’ll encourage you to make a decision you can live with. no im not tellin u what to do. Not my place. but sometimes u got to let that shit go!

If the same shit keeps reoccurring…. let it go
he still cheatin…. let it go
she still cheatin…. let it go
ya’ll fighting the same war every two months… let it go.
I’m sorry, it aint that much passion in the damn world to be fighting over DUMB SHIT EVERYDAY. Now believe me when i say, I’ll go the distance and a couple of good rounds if I love you. But if we both aren’t happy and we keep trying and trying only to keep failing… well, I have to set you free so that we can both live. We are squeezing one another way too damn tight, suffocating ourselves and losing our very breath and with those last breaths we are fighting for something that just shouldn’t be. I”m just sayin… (Random thoughtS)

A Dream (Moved From Tumblr 2011)

Had a dream that I died. It was strange. I remember thinking as I walked up to the snow white gates, “Is this Heaven? Could I have really made it?” As I walked upon clouds, they suddenly turned into streets of gold. To my left and two my right where buildings that were extravagantly built, showing billboards of every concert that was occuring. I stumbled into one and found Amy Winehouse, dressed in all white singing on the stage. I sat down between Billie Holiday and Tupac. I thought about asking him if heaven had a ghetto but he had his pen on his lap, writing a new poem on paper. Ray Charles was playing the piano and Marilyn Monroe was sitting in the front row. Aaliyah and Left Eye were sitting behind me side by side.

IT was crazy.

I left and entered another building with marble floors. The room was empty but My poster was on stage. I took my poetry book out of my bookbag and sat on the stool.

But tonight, where's the vodka? (Moved from Tumblr 2010)

I want to…scream. i want to yell into my head is threatening to pop off my body. I want to cry until I feel better, until my eyes are red and round with tears. I was so close. I want to punch things, kick things, threaten people and even throw my shoes… but what would that fix? I’m not going to do any of those things because they don’t solve anything. I refuse to admit any weaknesses aloud. only typed or printed. So to the outside world, its fuck it. yet inside its so damn close but yet so far away. SMH. Damn can’t things just be simple.. for once? Why do I have to balance and work so hard for everydamn thing? LOL, how spoiled does that sound. Tonight I internally grieve. Tomorrow… fuck that shit. But tonight…where’s the Vodka?

Love Has (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

Love has fucked me RAW,

Produced scrapes and bruises

exposed all of my flaws

and there are still carpet burns on my ass..

Love…has…FUCKED…me..raw

To the point where the loving is insane

but I can’t help but wonder is it worth all the pain?

Losing myself, loving you, losing you, learning to love me

This is all so complicated, and now i’m jaded… confused

because with love there is no rules

no boundaries

and all if fair and love and war…

but love has already fucked me raw

and left its scars and bruises,

ears full of excuses

regret….saddness… love.. has fucked…me…over..and….over…and…over… and now I am Raw

The Waiting Game (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

I’m tired of waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life on my life to start. I went from being perfectly okay with me, or thinking that I was. Then I fell in love with a boy, smh. Why is it that when you fall in love with a boy, you realize you didn’t know who you were, or either you turn into someone else? I don’t know, whatever the reason…yeah. *shrugs*

I said after that experience I would stay away from these guys. I said I was too weak at that point in my life to be in any relationship so I stayed away from men. I just lived life normal and playing it safe. Now I’m tired. I wanna live like today is my last day. I wanna flirt without feeling that its gonna ruin and taint me. I wanna be able to have expectations and EXPECT those expectations to come true. I wanna dream and actually have those dreams to go somewhere. I want to be in love again and have someone in love with me. I’m just ready to GROW…. and I’m tired of playing this… waiting game.

Dear Ex-Heart (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

Dear You

I find it utterly ridiculous that I have to re-release your ass every year. Why the hell can’t you just stay out of my head? Stay out of my life too. Take all of your memories, your damn birthday wishes, your voice, your laugh… take all of that shit back. Listen, I’m not bitter, I wish you the best. I wish myself the best as well. I don’t need you sending none of your luck over here though. I can handle me and mine on my own. Just stay the fuck out of my life, and out of my head and I’ll kindly FORGET about your ass. Thanks!

Sincerly,

The Best Thing You Ever had and Will Ever have.

These Are The Days (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

I try to hold it down… because this is the me that you never want to see. I’m fierce, and I show my teeth. Not to scare you but with intentions to bite. Back me into a corner and I’ll come out swinging. Hit first. Questions last.

This is the me that you never want to see. Those days when I really don’t give a fuck, and I deflect bullshit over my shoulder and don’t give a fuck what your problem is.

because these are the days that being in charge of myself is more stressful than keeping up with everyone else.

ANGRY Moved from Tumblr. (2011)

I am so angry
I know I’m not supposed to question you

Ask you why you do the things you do

Or why these things keep happening

but Lord I am running out of anger to battle all the bullshit around me with.

Every time I get my head on straight somebody tries to play me like I’m stupid,

they manage to piss me off, somebody gets sick, somebody dies, and the youth just

keep on making stupid choices. Most of this I cannot control but Lord I AM SO ANGRY!

I’m ANGRY that so many people have been taken from me, or from those around me. I’m Angry that So many people are sick. I AM ANGRY, that people are making stupid decisions-killing,stealing etc. I feel yanked back and forth, I feel like a puppet, I feel like half the time I am supposed to be a mime and I am FED UP. I am FILLED TO MY RIM!!!!!!

This…. i just want to close my eyes and fast forward. This is getting Ridiculous.

R.I.P.

Uncle Arthur

Suzie G.

Heavy D.

Hell….everybody it seems like..smh.