On Those Sad Nights

On those sad nights I pause briefly in the middle of homework, cleaning up before bed or doing my hair right before the shower and wonder exactly how you left here. Did death sneak up on you like I have always referred to it like a thief in the night and carried your soul off with it? Did you get halfway to where you were going and try to bargain with the reaper?

Other times I wonder if you saw a window of opportunity and walked into the light on your own. Sometimes I wonder if you willingly left all of us behind and I immediately feel guilty and selfish because I get angry.

There there are the times when I wonder if while you sat in that chair did Grandaddy, and Uncle Hilton come for you with their arms outstretched and because you couldn't speak, you gave them the thumbs up sign to let them know you were ready?

These things I will never know and sometimes I am not even 100% sure that I really want to. Some things are better left as a mystery but sometimes I wonder if this is one of those things.

Thinking About You,
Jazz.

Can't See My Halo

Smog around me so thick they can't see my halo,
People making assumptions acting like they know
Wall up around me so I'm always protected,
Denial is some people's reality threatening to make my life hectic.

Eyes straight forward but through my peripheral, I'm still watching you
the people who are "in your corner" are the ones probably blessing blocking you.
Creepin up around me like I can't see your shadow,
if you're creepin on me I'll take your soul with my night glow.

I'm seeing things clearer than I ever have before,
like you claim your helping but your the devil down to your core.
Don't know if you're with me or against me,
Your attitude is acid friendly.

I try to keep my eyes on the prize like its the lottery
Trying to find the God in me,
won't let you pessimists bother me
but the smog is so thick that they can't see my halo.

People watching me acting like they know,
when the outside appearance its just a cover for the inner,
to cover the truth or the lie, the saved or the sinner
A place to start searching if your a beginner
but the shield to a soul if you are lazy or a quitter

but the smog is so thick that they can't see my halo...
the smog is so thick I know they can't see my halo.

Written for my bro T

Closer to my dreams than I've ever been before
I'm on the search for wisdom
so I can rob the rich and give to the poor

Mind so heavy with the things i'm trying to obtain
soul rock hard from the spirit that i'm trying to contain
Bearing my soul to these people so they can feel my pain
Hoping that my losses will result in somebody else's gain
Looking for the sunshine because I'm tired of all the rain
Trying to care for humanity when they don't give a fuck about you, will cause a person to go insane.

I'm trying to spread wisdom that I gained and because I learned it.
I try to share with the world, but they're stubborn and they haven't earned it.
So I spit my very soul on a blank white screen
Hoping that somebody reads it and they will receive me and help me with my dream...

I'm only trying to express myself and give them the better part of me
because i'm closer to my dreams than I've ever been before
and i'm trying share the art in me
so its like I'm robbing the rich.... and giving to the poor.
Or like, I'm trying to share the God in Me.

Blowing off steam

It's a possibility that I got too real for you,
Got in my car, left you in the rear view
'cause I couldn't get a feel for you.

Not sure where your head is
But I don't trust that you have good intentions.
as if, destroying me and my goals is one of your missions.

I wouldn't doubt that you counted on me being blind to you
thought you could flex a little and smile a lot,
hoping it would put a shine to you.

Trying to hide behind the shine lets me know that you're fake
act like your my personal cheerleader when I know that you ain't.
halo over your head, but you ain't no saint.
Hope you catch me slippin so you can step up in your rank.

your words been falling on deaf ears
doing you a favor 'cause your words can end your career.
obviously its me you lash out at in fear,
so you create lies to make sure the others don't hear.

It's true what my mom say,
they hate to see you strong
love to see you doing bad so they can pretend to drag you along.
I'm moving on.....

I Was Colder Than December.

I was colder than December
In the dead center of winter
Heart iced up like it had a sprain.
no longer interested in him or his games,
I was silent.
First thoughts were violent
second thoughts: Karma is a bitch. You'd better let God be yo co-pilot
so I kept quiet and remained STILL.

I let the mystery build
as his fate was sealed.
and his mouth was lying
and the rims of his eyes filled with fake tears from fake crying
and my chest heaved from restraint and sighing
while his shoulders shrugged, giving away his true emotion

Pretending to be filled with so much love and devotion,
he could care less about the feelings i had to express
or that I had given my heart, the very beat in my chest

The look that peeped from behind that mask was indifference
it said that this was the second time around and i'd be a fool to think the 3rd would b any different
That this would not be the last time where he attempted to fill me up beyond my capacity with promises unkept.
that this would not be the last time he would creep out on me while i slept
thinking that this love was safe.

No longer confused I had to shut him down,
somewhere in between his words the truth had been found.
I could no longer live a lie when the truth was so clear.
he had everything he needed but what he wanted wasn't here.

It ain't where he's at its where he wants to be,
and obviously it wasn't with me,
so like a caged bird I released him into the wild,
while he looked confused, I smiled.

I was colder than December,
in the dead center of winter.
Heart iced up like it had a sprain
and I was free, done playing his game.

He's Loving Him

An anger burned deep in her belly,
her words came hard and fast like bullets
but rained over me in a flood threatening to drown us both in negativity
A gray smog was overhead that threatened her sanity.

"How could he?" she asked me.
"When I Loved him with every part of me,
was willing to climb mountains to snag the moon and part the red sea?
Give him jewels from my womb, and willing to name my first son after him
how could he?

When I feel like I have spent several lifetimes chasing him
when we were slaves in one life and I was separated from him
only to finally think i have him,
but end up in love, stuck, now a slave TO him,
how could he?"

Her eyes looked up at me full of hurt and question,
How could I explain God's divine intervention?
That maybe this was yet another lesson,
or everything we think we want is the opposite of what we need.
How could I tell a woman this who is carrying that man's seed?

"I can't fix this," she said.
"I love him like a part of my flesh but even love has its limits,
This is more than just being intimate,
he gave more to him than to me and I'm not feeling it.
He's loving him so now who's loving me? she asked."

FOR YOU SIR

I'm not afraid of regular things. Well, I am. Spiders, Ostriches, animals way larger than me, typical things. I'm more afraid of failing than anything.

I had a friend once or someone I considered a friend. He had a few problems, nothing I didn't think with a lot of effort I couldn't help him with. I knew it would be hard, but I was up for the challenge. To start with, this guy did a lot of things that would make me turn my back on any other person, but because I felt like I could help, I let the insults and some of his other actions roll off my back. He wanted to date me, eventually. Though I knew I could be there as a friend, I knew I couldn't be there as a partner or significant other. I had read cases like his where a person who acts the way that he did and probably still does can get attached and when things don't work out, you will do that person more harm than good. It was kind of like a dependency issue. I couldn't deny that it would happen. People who SEEM to be perfectly emotionally stable had developed those issues with me. Those people depended on me as a friend though. A boyfriend with dependency issues on top of other said issues was something I didn't feel I could handle. It was also something I didn't think he could handle if it went south.

I tried to be a friend. Ignoring or lightly putting down advances and then I ran. I mean broke out in a sense, but didn't think that would end the friendship... but it did. He was angry of course and we didn't talk for months. Then out of the blue he makes contact again and gullible me thinking that all was well, continued the friendship only to see that his intentions were to try and make me look like a fool. I let him beat up on me a little while and then I couldn't handle it. I cut him off. Months went by again and some things seemed to have changed in his life for the better. I thought that with these new changes of his, we could be friends. For a few months things went smoothly and then like a sledge hammer,my obliviousness crashed me over the head. Not only had I been ignoring obvious and blatant signs AGAIN, I had been unknowingly feeding into them. However, I thought if I ignored the advances, because even if I felt similarly to the way he did, there was nothing that could be done about the situation, we could go back to being friends. Before I knew it, he played victim again and I was cut off.

Then I became angry. Clearly, I had more than made up for my running away in the beginning. I was frustrated that years later I was still being treated like shit and he was still playing the victim. I have grown tired of it and have decided at this point, I will no longer offer the hand of friendship. I felt guilty at first because I thought I turned my back on him but at this point, either he's going to get over it or he is not. Obviously he isn't. I'm going to make the decision easy for him. If he decides to reconnect he can kiss my ass. I definitely feel a certain way about a person whose intentions are to play games and obviously to see what can hurt me.

At some point in your life, you grow tired of bandaging yourself and began to cut first. I don't want to always be the one to draw the sword, but in his instance, if he and I cross paths I won't hesitate to throw him the cold shoulder. I have his phone number... I could have very easily called him, but actions speak louder than words and I'm sick of his words. I've shown more actions than words, but if there is a next time He will get neither...

I could care less if he reads this too. Lol. Good if he does. FOR YOU SIR: You're always searching for a reaction... here you go.. GOODBYE!

A Sore Thumb

I don't blend well. Often in crowds I still stick out whether its to be targeted for some bullshit or to be picked out as a person to be studied or watched. Don't watch me damnit! I am watching you! I stick out like a sore thumb sometimes. Not that I would ever want to be a copy of these females today. Some of these females are only concerned about social status and high heeled shoes. Two things I care absolutely nothing about.
I am selfish. I watch people for my own enjoyment and prefer not to be spotted because then I tend to spend more time trying not to be analyzed versus me doing the analyzing.

I guess I complain about standing out, but I actually don't mind all that much. Because I am that way I have met some pretty awesome individuals and contrary to popular belief and beginning to really LIVE and am having the time/struggle of my life. I say struggle because in my book, there is no happiness without pain and no success without rain.

Untitled.

I'm trying to put the negative energy elsewhere
not trying to stress, put on no weight or lose no hair,
I guess I feel some kinda way because the situation seems hopeless,
I get upset, and then I seem to lose focus.

A cloudy day and I just keep smilin' through that shit
all the while thinking one more word I just might hit
or throw a fit
but I keep my composure.
I either hit you with a smile or the cold shoulder.

Who cares what you sayin' cause I'm not really here,
been standing in this same place but my mind been gone since last year.
Threats falling on empty ears- I'm done listening
the devil whispering in one ear and yes he's kind of tempting

now who's to say that this is supposed to end this way?
I'm thinking i can hold on until a brighter day
but patience wears thin and i'm tired of holding
arms wrapped around this butterfly- feels like i'm choking.

I don't understand me sometimes

I'm human.

I make mistakes that I sometimes cannot fix, I make decisions that I sometimes cannot explain. Sometimes my heart speaks and my head listens. Sometimes my head speaks and my heart closes its ears. I get angry. I get confused. I get lost. And hell, let's be honest: Sometimes I'm moving and don't even know exactly where I'm going. I just keep on going as long as it looks like I'm moving forward...

I've hurt some people with my decisions. Even so... I have to say that though I'm sorry that I caused them some pain, I don't regret my decisions. I can love you like hell and still let you go. At some point I think it comes down to me or you. The decision has to be made.

What makes me weak? That I care much more about the feelings of other individuals than my own? Does it make me weak that allow certain individuals to dump their grief on me even when the issue isn't my fault or has nothing to do with me? I feel that I handle blame better than any other individual. So I keep my mouth shut and let others place their weight on my shoulders and attempt to push me down when their issue is not me. I don't understand me sometimes. I don't understand how I can let an individual slide and then chastise another individual for the same thing. It's almost like some people get a pass. When I see into a person, I sometimes see something that I know I can break. I see what I know I could possibly break and never fix so I choose to give that person a pass.

I guess its a good thing that I have this ability because I cause more good than harm... in my opinion. However, it gets tiring. I'm often exhausted from fighting a battle with individuals who have no idea that they are fighting or what we are fighting about. Exhausting.

Women and Ladies... The difference

A woman, to me, is classified as having her female parts. She has ovaries, vagina,and breasts. She has the ability to bare children. She is visibly recognizable as a female. Even women who dress as men are recognizable as female if you look hard enough. Somehow though, people have gotten a woman and a lady confused. A Lady, in my opinion, is one who carries herself as such. She has manners, knows her worth, walks with her head high, knows what situations cause for what action and appropriate behavior. You will never catch her with ass shot pictures or with her breasts out because she knows those assets should not be shared with anyone. She is more fluent with her words but can use her fists if need be, but it is always the very last resort.

Hard to find a REAL Man These Days...

Let me first state that I am a single, black female. I may also add that I am on my way to success and so far have managed to beat every stereotype thrown at me until the threat of being an "angry,bitter, black woman."

I look around day to day, not in search of a man or spouse but in search of a REAL man to at least give me some hope that REAL men still exist. So far I have been severely disappointed. The men act more like gossipy little girls. Some act like they do not know how to lead and would rather follow or do nothing at all. It is discouraging. Who is to blame? A lazy new generation or a generation that failed these men before they even had a chance to LOOK like men? I don't know. I really wish I had the answer.

Men who gossip, instigate cat fights between their women in the street as if they are no more than dogs and wait to see who comes out last so they can boast. Men who put their hands on women. Men who take pride in sitting at home while their significant other works and they smoke weed all day. Men who don't know how to take control of when needed and cower behind excuses. I can't take it. Maybe I'm just old fashion. I need a man around me who knows that I can handle my own, but knows when to stand in the front and when to stand at my side. who wants to bring something to the table as well as I do. A man who knows that he had better not put his hands on me or any woman for that matter.

I'm not saying there are no REAL men these days, but I am saying that they are far and few in between. And FYI to those who read this: A "REAL NIGGA" is NOT a "REAL MAN". The definition of that is all jacked up and I wish my black men would stop saying that foolishness.

First to draw

I've been doing some thinking. I think that sometimes I let people slide a little bit too much. I often times act meek to avoid hurting people's feelings even when they do something to me. I let them victimize themselves and I take the blame for their mistakes. Not anymore. I'm not taking anybody else's blame because if I am strong enough to hold all of mine and yours too, you should at least be able to handle what is directly related to you.

I'm tired. I'm not doing it anymore. So from now on, and please understand me when I say this, "If you draw your knife first, don't be surprised if the one who is bleeding is not me." I'll leave it at that.

To: The One I've Always Loved, Never Met, but Already Lost

I feel you around me,
hovering around like a lightning bug in the dark refusing to shine your light,
as i wonder around aimlessly looking for something unknown in the airy night.
Stumbling foolishly,
arms outstretched hoping you will crash into me
being just a little too unrealistic
imagine the picture-- i'm a closet romantic
a public critic.

I feel you around me,
buzzing like a bee,
scaring me because today I'm afraid of being stung
My song of freedom has just been sung
I've loved you always,
never met you
so I don't have the chance to try and pretend to forget you,
but I've lost you already
because I'm afraid of being captured.

Will That Make Him Stay?

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about the girl from his coat pocket the other day?
MAke him remember that he pursued me and not the other way around
How I was the better choice so he said he'd give me the crown

He said there's five girls who'll do what I won't
And too many to count that have already done it.
He said there's a few waiting to take my place when I don't
So I'd better hurry and make a decision.

If I sleep with him will that make him stay?
Make him forget about me like those other girls he played?
Make him remember that I am a lady first?
or how he took my virginity to quench his ego's thirst?

If I sleep with him it won't make him stay
He will forget about like he forgot about the rest
He will remember how I broke down and said yes
He'll think i was never the better choice and he'll assume i'm not crown worthy.

Reality Check/Comfortable

I am well into reality though I get high on fantasy. Knowing that the way my life is was done on purpose and not on accident. Knowing that at some point I may or may not be a martyr, striving to not become a statistic, trying to be a better woman not just for me but for America, I'm okay. I usually face what I need to face head on and if I don't, I walk away. There is no shame in knowing what you want, what you don't want. There is no shame in knowing when something is too much and something is not enough. Nobody can take better care of you than YOU!


Be comfortable in the skin that you are in. I am! I mop at 1 in the morning, singing at 9 at night. I could fall in love on pure accident and it be the worst thing that has ever happened to me or the absolute best. It's night/mornings like this that I am particularly grateful for the people in my life, the people around me, and for the way I am growing. I'm thankful for the people who did not make it this far in life. You helped to shape who I am. I'm loving every minute of me. How vain am I? LOL I'm COMFORTABLE. There is a difference

Dear Daddy

Tonight I think about you. I used to be upset with you because of the way things turned out. I used to be angry about you dying period. In fact, sometimes I'm still angry. On the days where I don't understand and get confused I remember that I don't have to understand. This is God's way and I don't have to agree with any of it. Then I think about how I have changed since you passed away. I started to stray from family and long to be in the street with friends. I started doing some things that I knew weren't me just to say I did it. Maybe it was to prove I am who I am... or to prove that I do what I want to when I want to. Funny how even though the day that it was confirmed that you had passed I already knew deep down that you had gone on. And to this day, I don't understand how I knew or why I wasn't shocked. All I felt was pain. A pain that no matter how much I seek to find words for, I cannot find. I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. I didn't want to face reality or be forced.

The day that you died, I took personal responsibility for my mom and brother. Not that I didn't care before, because Jay was already attached to me, but I felt more of a sense of responsibility. In this life, we only get one blood mother, and one blood father. I was blessed to be given a stepfather who always has my best interest at heart and I am thankful for that. The point is, I see personally that people aren't around forever. They won't always be here. Which is why I don't mind sticking close to home or sticking close to my family. Because when they are gone, they are gone. You showed me that.

Today I'm not angry. I'm not confused. I just miss you. I figure though...some things we have to go through to get through. God has a plan for me and I know all of this is just preparation but it still hurts. I really miss Granny too. Tell her that for me, but I know she's a little happier that she's with you, Uncle Hilton, Grandaddy, Tanis and Aunt Geraldine. Even if I understand, its okay to miss ya'll and cry sometimes... right?




Love,
Jasmine

My Heart is Occupied.

Nobody lives here.
you assume this because your knocks went unanswered.
this vessel for which causes the very beat in my step is anything but empty.
It simply is
Occupied.
I hung a sign there long ago,
turned out the lights and sat next to the window
because I have reached my love limit.
I have loved and loved and loved and not learned to stop loving
and I simply have no need to make any room for another love to keep and still lose.
My heart is
Occupied.

How many of them have I felt some kind of way for?
Taught to love from birth until my heart hurts and threatens to burst,
I now make the decision to say NO.
"There's no room in the inn"
"You cannot come in"
"We cannot be more than friends"
"I have all the family and friends I need and require no more"
"This establishment is OCCUPIED and I cannot,will not take anymore!"
Only to love another and lose three more in their place...

How do you keep loving when every month of the year claims a different victim?
When the ones you love, you hold close for fear of losing them
And you try and play God thinking that your very thoughts can protect them
or that you can personally call in a favor to God and get mad when he does his own thing.
When DESPITE your very efforts the harder you try Not to love, you love EVERYBODY
and a new murder on the other side of the world is like another relative killed.
Hell no,
My heart is occupied!

I can't even watch the damn news without feeling like I have been shot at.
I can console and hold the hands of relatives and friends of the deceased because how many times have I had to do it?
Blessed and cursed with the poetic eye to see things how they really are
and my upbringing won't let me sugarcoat and my blessing won't allow me to desensitize.

I can love from a distance if I have to
but my heart is OCCUPIED.

Everybody has that 1 friend

That they would do anything for and who would do anything for them. I miss my homie. I won't say her name because well.. I just won't. However, I think sometimes you have to let sleeping dogs lie. Especially when you know where you'll end up at in a few months. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well... and not doing anything stupid. lol. I still love ya chick.

Brown Skins (2011)

I’ve got this thing with brown skin. I’m infatuated, moved by it, even in love with it. Not to say there is anything wrong with any other skin, but its something about the shades of brown skin that do something to me.

When I am walking through a mall and a mocha-toned brother walks by me with a high yellow brother and a chocolate colored man on the side, i’m intrigued. The way their colors blend against life’s background, making it the canvas and them the picture, does something to me.

When a straight or gay brown couple two different tones or even the same complexion walks in front of me, its beautiful… i don’t know what it is with me and brown skin!

Just To Fit In

I don’t care nothin about fitting in. That mess is for the people who have lost or can’t find themselves. I haven’t been lost in a long time and I found me a long time ago.

Yea, sometimes my decisions leave me by myself and believe it or not, I am completely okay with that. I figure I was born by myself and leaving this earth the same way isn’t a problem. I just sit back and observe people of today. Everybody in such a rush to be like somebody else. shrugs I figure if something that I want to do is just like what someone else is doing… that’s cool too because I wanted to do it. If not, well, let’s just say I have no problem standing with my back to a crowd

I Wait

I wait
Everyday waiting on him to shower me with the love that I deserve
Realize that I am a woman and even though I’ve got hills more than curves
I’m worth it
This beat in my chest is bumping like a bass
heart PLEASE be still as I look at his face
and into his eyes.
Trying to replace that smile in my heart with a scowl
because this is dangerous.
unexplored territory and his smile took all of my defenses
My face- uncamouflaged amd i’ve lost my senses
endless
thoughts of you loving me
and me being that she that you so often talk about…
I wait…
anticipating the harsh realities of rejection
knowing that i’m about to learn my lesson
and i still cannot find the strength to pull back

Pardon Me 2010

Pardon me, For not casting my heart to the first man who promised me unconditional love and support when I felt he was selling me a dream. When i didn’t open my legs to invite in something I wasn’t so sure about and knew it wasn’t what it seemed.

Pardon me, For opting for a truth and refusing the fairytale and the lie Pessimistic maybe but love can be sadistic if u aren’t careful. One minute ur whole and the next u can be gutless and slit to ur navel.#just sayin

Pardon me… for being slightly turned off by the flock of men who hide their true colors and pretend to be saints and saviors… To me and all our neighbors

Pardon me for being just a little hesitant when I try to show u that I am a woman first and then a lady And u still try to treat me as if I’m ur bitch or ur hoe…

So yeah I’m a bit hesitant. Mankind treats me like a robot that is not yet ready for an unexcepting world- trying to turn me into something that I’m not or blend me in…

Untitled

The fussing and fighting

Pretending not to be mad

Moving on and pretending it doesn’t hurt

Feelings of revenge

unable to control the tears

the he said, she said….

I don’t want any of that. What I do want…

is the passion, the disagreements that end in understanding or at least compromise.

The I hate you but I love you so much at the same time that I’m not going anywhere.

That i can deal with.

I Am

The girl who doesn’t cry at funerals usually, but days before will do quick 60 second cries in bathrooms,closets, and even as I walk away from you and manages to pull on a blank face by the time I’ve turned around.

The girl who will openly cry at weddings when I know that the two people are doing the most precious and sacred thing but probably have no idea how intense and serious it is to promise ur love in front of God.

The girl who laughs when things get awkward.

The girl who makes jokes just to see someone smile even if I’m not smiling on the inside.

The girl who lives in a laugh from someone elses throat.

The girl who gets her feelings hurt and skips from sad to pissed.

The girl who would give up time with anyone outside of family to be with family because I realize they won’t be here forever.

The girl who loves emotional attachments as long as I’m not the one emotionally attached.

The girl who isn’t afraid of risks but doesn’t chance anything for fear of failure.

The girl who can’t seem to say no when I’m depended on.

I am all of these things…and id never apologize for being a single one of them

May 21.2011

Really? For real? Seriously?

I don’t doubt SOMETHING will happen on that day. A person will jump out of a window, a thunderstorm will occur, a store will get robbed and yes, MAYBE even an Earthquake in some part of the world (tho i hope not) will probably happen. However, I really don’t think it is judgement day. I mean, how much sense would it make for us to know what is about to happen? Does it not say in the Bible that when that day comes NO man will know? I trust that book more than I trust a human being. I will say, however, that the thought makes me a little nervous. I mean, there isn’t much doubt in my mind that on this particular instance I am right. I mean, people were wrong about 2000, right?I just hope no one does anything crazy thinking, “just in case its the last day,” and end up in a horrible situation on Sunday morning.

I’m not really worried either because there are some things that are supposed to occur before this rapture that has not happened yet. We should also be living like everyday could possibly be judgement day… I haven’t been so I’m not throwing stones but I’m just saying.

Hell of a Day (May 2011)

I woke up and was still tired. Didn’t leave the house when I wanted to. A couple people blew their horns at me today like I was in their way. I forgot my coat and had to sit in a cold ass classroom. Realized an hour into class my shirt was on backwards and I couldn’t change it or people would notice. I scrubbed the front of my car on the curb. Didn’t get any planet smoothie cuz rent is coming up. Charged some stuff to wear to my bro graduation and spent way too much. Had a doc appt. that scared the hell out of me. There is no sweets in my house. My grandfather died this year and today is his birthday. I drive his car…which got the back windshield SMASHED out of it by a tree today…. so yeah.

Happy (2011)

I don’t know what it is… I don’t know if its because I’m changing or if its because had a good weekend… but im so happy. I’m literally smiling from the inside out. Nothing particular has occurred, not that i can remember. I just got the smiles. =) Stress free weekend…. i guess im ready for the week to start lol. Now back to work, school, and worryin about a car.

Dear Daddy (2 days after Father's Day 2011)

I thought I would make it through Father’s Day and not have a sentimental thought in my head…. I somehow managed to put it away until today… basically two days later. I am beginning to forget what your voice sounds like. It’s scary. I talked to uncle today and his voice made me feel some kind of way because they two of you sound a little alike…if i can remember correctly. You have only been dead 3 yrs and i am already starting to forget things about you. important things. Sometimes I fight with the good memories because they try to leave me and the bad memories won’t. I just wish that you didn’t have to leave so early before we had time to work things our and before you could see what I would make of myself or if I would ever get married and have children.

I know that I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, but I am really having a hard time. It’s like I get so far ahead in the line, turn around and realize you aren’t with me and try to go back to drag you along… I want to heal, but I never want to forget you.

After three years, damn, it still hurts almost as much as it did the day it happened.

Until next time,

Frog

Learning to Let Go (moved from Tumblr)

I imagine some of my friends to sometimes be smaller children on bicycles with training wheels. Once they are riding the bike without the training wheels, I tend to watch awhile, casually waving at them when they look back over their shoulder… then I just disappear. They have rode so far away that before they know it, I’m a speck who fades into nothingness and they can no longer see me. This doesn’t bother me so much. People grow, and people change. I learned a while ago that everyone is not lifetime. Some are seasonal and should be kept as such. I let God place them there, and then I let God take them out.

On the other hand, sometimes, for sanity’s sake, I have had to remove myself from the lives of people. If I feel as if I’m being abused, and I cant take anymore… I’ll leave. No need to keep hanging around and being accused of things that I haven’t done or did not do. I’ve lost a few friends because of this and one not so long ago. I’ve learned though, that sometimes, you just have to let go. Sometimes holding on can make it so much worse

Let it go, let it go! (moved from Tumblr 2011)

I know…easier said than done but i’m a real friend. ask me… and i’ll encourage you to make a decision you can live with. no im not tellin u what to do. Not my place. but sometimes u got to let that shit go!

If the same shit keeps reoccurring…. let it go
he still cheatin…. let it go
she still cheatin…. let it go
ya’ll fighting the same war every two months… let it go.
I’m sorry, it aint that much passion in the damn world to be fighting over DUMB SHIT EVERYDAY. Now believe me when i say, I’ll go the distance and a couple of good rounds if I love you. But if we both aren’t happy and we keep trying and trying only to keep failing… well, I have to set you free so that we can both live. We are squeezing one another way too damn tight, suffocating ourselves and losing our very breath and with those last breaths we are fighting for something that just shouldn’t be. I”m just sayin… (Random thoughtS)

A Dream (Moved From Tumblr 2011)

Had a dream that I died. It was strange. I remember thinking as I walked up to the snow white gates, “Is this Heaven? Could I have really made it?” As I walked upon clouds, they suddenly turned into streets of gold. To my left and two my right where buildings that were extravagantly built, showing billboards of every concert that was occuring. I stumbled into one and found Amy Winehouse, dressed in all white singing on the stage. I sat down between Billie Holiday and Tupac. I thought about asking him if heaven had a ghetto but he had his pen on his lap, writing a new poem on paper. Ray Charles was playing the piano and Marilyn Monroe was sitting in the front row. Aaliyah and Left Eye were sitting behind me side by side.

IT was crazy.

I left and entered another building with marble floors. The room was empty but My poster was on stage. I took my poetry book out of my bookbag and sat on the stool.

But tonight, where's the vodka? (Moved from Tumblr 2010)

I want to…scream. i want to yell into my head is threatening to pop off my body. I want to cry until I feel better, until my eyes are red and round with tears. I was so close. I want to punch things, kick things, threaten people and even throw my shoes… but what would that fix? I’m not going to do any of those things because they don’t solve anything. I refuse to admit any weaknesses aloud. only typed or printed. So to the outside world, its fuck it. yet inside its so damn close but yet so far away. SMH. Damn can’t things just be simple.. for once? Why do I have to balance and work so hard for everydamn thing? LOL, how spoiled does that sound. Tonight I internally grieve. Tomorrow… fuck that shit. But tonight…where’s the Vodka?

Love Has (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

Love has fucked me RAW,

Produced scrapes and bruises

exposed all of my flaws

and there are still carpet burns on my ass..

Love…has…FUCKED…me..raw

To the point where the loving is insane

but I can’t help but wonder is it worth all the pain?

Losing myself, loving you, losing you, learning to love me

This is all so complicated, and now i’m jaded… confused

because with love there is no rules

no boundaries

and all if fair and love and war…

but love has already fucked me raw

and left its scars and bruises,

ears full of excuses

regret….saddness… love.. has fucked…me…over..and….over…and…over… and now I am Raw

The Waiting Game (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

I’m tired of waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life on my life to start. I went from being perfectly okay with me, or thinking that I was. Then I fell in love with a boy, smh. Why is it that when you fall in love with a boy, you realize you didn’t know who you were, or either you turn into someone else? I don’t know, whatever the reason…yeah. *shrugs*

I said after that experience I would stay away from these guys. I said I was too weak at that point in my life to be in any relationship so I stayed away from men. I just lived life normal and playing it safe. Now I’m tired. I wanna live like today is my last day. I wanna flirt without feeling that its gonna ruin and taint me. I wanna be able to have expectations and EXPECT those expectations to come true. I wanna dream and actually have those dreams to go somewhere. I want to be in love again and have someone in love with me. I’m just ready to GROW…. and I’m tired of playing this… waiting game.

Dear Ex-Heart (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

Dear You

I find it utterly ridiculous that I have to re-release your ass every year. Why the hell can’t you just stay out of my head? Stay out of my life too. Take all of your memories, your damn birthday wishes, your voice, your laugh… take all of that shit back. Listen, I’m not bitter, I wish you the best. I wish myself the best as well. I don’t need you sending none of your luck over here though. I can handle me and mine on my own. Just stay the fuck out of my life, and out of my head and I’ll kindly FORGET about your ass. Thanks!

Sincerly,

The Best Thing You Ever had and Will Ever have.

These Are The Days (Moved from Tumblr 2011)

I try to hold it down… because this is the me that you never want to see. I’m fierce, and I show my teeth. Not to scare you but with intentions to bite. Back me into a corner and I’ll come out swinging. Hit first. Questions last.

This is the me that you never want to see. Those days when I really don’t give a fuck, and I deflect bullshit over my shoulder and don’t give a fuck what your problem is.

because these are the days that being in charge of myself is more stressful than keeping up with everyone else.

ANGRY Moved from Tumblr. (2011)

I am so angry
I know I’m not supposed to question you

Ask you why you do the things you do

Or why these things keep happening

but Lord I am running out of anger to battle all the bullshit around me with.

Every time I get my head on straight somebody tries to play me like I’m stupid,

they manage to piss me off, somebody gets sick, somebody dies, and the youth just

keep on making stupid choices. Most of this I cannot control but Lord I AM SO ANGRY!

I’m ANGRY that so many people have been taken from me, or from those around me. I’m Angry that So many people are sick. I AM ANGRY, that people are making stupid decisions-killing,stealing etc. I feel yanked back and forth, I feel like a puppet, I feel like half the time I am supposed to be a mime and I am FED UP. I am FILLED TO MY RIM!!!!!!

This…. i just want to close my eyes and fast forward. This is getting Ridiculous.

R.I.P.

Uncle Arthur

Suzie G.

Heavy D.

Hell….everybody it seems like..smh.