Vaguely Remember

It's Crazy ain't I?
How I vaguely remember the dimples and curves of your face,
days go by and I don't let any images or reminders of you fill my mental space
but today I chose to be plagued.

I need to remember you,
Like pages in my diary or a favorite story from my past
I need to remember all the reasons we didn't last
because when i thought of you today...

I could only vaguely remember
the heartbeat that drummed against my rib cage, threatened to explode in my temples
when you used to "love" me.
Feelings of shame because I knew what i was thinking when u used to hug me
Words so sweet that oozed like molasses from ur lips and found themselves soaking in the mushiness of my brain
the tears-slidin'-down-my-window-pane-and-its-cold-outside-but-if-u-leaving-i'm -gonna-stand-outside-your-window-with-a-boombox-even-in-the-rain

i can only vaguely..remember
those feelings of love when I'm angry and can only vaguely remember the details of your betrayl when I miss you,
Today I need to remember it all... the good with the bad,
I need to leave you in my past, remember you in the present and not include you in my future.

Before today, I could only vaguely remember..you...and the picture was a little fuzy.

I don't understand...grieving

Wait a minute... i don't understand/things are all out of place/yesterday you were here and today and tomorrow you're gone forever/ its like the moment i see some sunshine here comes some rainy weather/ see i just dont get how I can go on and act like this is okay/ knowing that i'm gonna see u in heaven some day/ don't ease this pain that im feeling or lift this cloud over my head/ see some mornings i don't wanna even get out of bed/ because i know that if im there, there is a chance that i could still be dreaming/ and none of this has happened and in the inside im not screaming/

I don't understand... and now im confused because they just told me and i can't even visualize it, people are giving me their condolences and i don't even recognize it, they're waiting on the tears to drop like im tryna hide it/
There IS nothing to HIDE.. I just don't understand!

How yesterday we were pounding fists and shaking hands/ or how we were talking about the promise lands in future reference and now you made the future the present, im realizing that im gettin older and aint no reverse adolescents anything can happen and i need to get it together...at least that was the message.

However...i'm still not clear on how you're here today and gone tomorrow/ how we were just laughin and now i'm in sorrow/ how you get snatched from this earth or how you quietly leave/ how you took my tears with you and now its hard for me to grieve/
or how you were just sittin across from me... just talking to me...just walking with me... see that's the part that I can't conceive. and i don't want my last memories of u to be of ur death but I gotta look cuz I don't believe/ while standing in the line/now bouncing my knee because yesterday you were still here but today you're gone/ dressed in all this black, see now I have no choice but to move on whether I understand it or not/ willing myself with all that i've got to look/ thinking to myself how death is a crook because it stole you or you just got convinced and went with it...

even though its not clear to me and i don't understand, i just do what they tell u when in grief and hold on to God's unchanging hand/ letting him lead foward and afraid to look foward and even more afraid to look back thus i be turned to salt/ and He let me slip down in a crack.. hold on to his hand and hope that at the end of thhis journey/ i've fulfilled his plan/ and that we have all served his purpose/ and when its my turn to go I won't be nervous/ because i did what i was sent here to do/ and was not worthless/ that the pain that i'm feeling/Will make sense at the end of this madness.. that's all im asking... that's all I'm hoping for..

You Clipped My Left Wing

You clipped my left wing while I flapped the other freely, believing that I was getting away only to be flying in circles, landing back in your nest...

you clipped my left wing
in an attempt to steal my freedom
make me bow to you as king
and keep me in your supposed kingdom
or jail...

life with you has been hell and no matter
how much I try to fly I end up right back in your nest
'cause you've poisoned my mind and said I'd never make it
and I stayed,
because I felt that I coudn't do better I decided to stay and take it.

you clipped my left wing, confined me to this nest
and when I try to fly, I circle back into your nest..

I just wanna be free....really

There are serious dents in this perfect image. I hate how I can see a problem coming from a mile away but will still run up on it anyway. I spend so much time trying to see my future and running that I end up running back into traffic, pushing another individual out of the way and getting hit by the bus. When is it not my problem? When do I just walk away without looking over my shoulder and am unaffected?

I just wanna be free... I don't even wanna have to tuck my knees to fly. I wanna get so far away and up high thatI can stand tall and have no chances that my feet will touch the ground. I just wanna be free... I don't wnna think about it, I don't wanna worry about it, I don't wanna yearn for it nor do I want to need it. I just wanna be...free.

Kanye West "Runaway"....Pt. 1 of 2

Kanye is... um... I don't know what to think about that "Runaway" video I just saw. The fact that he didn't do something that everyone does draws me to it. The fact that I'm not quite sure I understand it makes me run from it.

When you ask me... what I truly feel about Kanye's video I have to be graphic:

I feel like... He went inside me, dug super deep pulled out, left his impression but neglected to give me a release. I feel like he balled up my brain and then gave it back to me for me to use.

Those are my current thoughts of how I feel about the video since I don't yet understand it all.

Don't contact me/ Not in the mood to write..

I've been sitting here thinking about what I want to write and can't think of anything. I'm trying though because I know that I need to. So here is my attempt.

How can I change you?
I want you to be so much more
than you want to be
you want to lock me down, but you still wanna be free.
Let me go so I can fly with the birds
Let me go in more than one sense, not just words.

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

Our time is up
I want you in the past
Don't care what you're family said
All of ya'll can kiss my ass

They don't know our story
because even you werent in the know
I was doing this all by myself
and now to hell you can Go

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

This story has been written in ink
and aint no damn erasin
It's got down all the details
your drinking and your women chasin

My truth, your lies
those tears that I cried
my revenge when I kicked your car door in
this is all in red
Now there's nothing but black roses for ths relationship
because its dead.

Once again,

i don't want you thinking about me
I don't want you to call
I don't want you to text me
please don't contact me at all

Bullet in the chamber,
hand on the trigger
trembling as I contemplate self-emancipation,
Peace for everybody? wondering about this dream I've been chasin'
I still didn't get high enough to achieve my goals
and I'm 6 months off of free-basin,'
quit the needle cold
picked up my pen no pencil so there'll be no erasin,
re-writing my life, using myself as my own motivation

Started doing just fine once I used my God as inspiration,
Saw exactly what his plan is for me. I'm his perfectly imperfect creation.
I keep the blinders on for the ones who practice their persuasion,
I'm usually on the right track though I get swayed on occasion.
I'm focused like I'm getting paid to live and it's amazin'.
I lit a fire to the grass around my feet because I'm moving so fast
you can call it a run for liberation
bra burning and blazing.
Fighting for equality and a new life
and I'm not asking for the shit, I'm takin' it...

Where Is My Respect?

The pic above does NOT belong to me.

Where is my Respect?

Give it to me,
Have I not earned it?
Swallowed my pride, closed my eyes and kept my mouth closed.
Threatened to lose my sanity, spared you my profanity, gave in to the vanity.
dressed in the six inches, wore the long weaves, and wore nothing but the best name brand clothes
all the things that I said I'd never do or succumb to.

And I did all of this for you...
to impress you or allow you to be the man while I sat quietly
told the world of how you were my pride and that you inspired me

Where is my RESPECT

When I...

told them that without your strength I was nothing
and without you bringing home all of the bacon I didn't know where I would be
Gave you my unconditional love and my undeniable support,
all of those times you were in and out of court, who sat by your side?
when the police where looking for you, who stood their ground and didn't hide?

Who pushed you from behind when you thought you couldn't go on?
Raised your kids, cooked your meals, Worked my fulltime job and catered to you after yours?
Who was with you when you were working for your 40 acres and a mule? When there were no fancy ass tractors just simple hand made garden tools. Hosed down and attacked by dogs right along side you when we marched for OUR rights...

So Where is my DAMN respect?

When I've been your rib, and at times even your backbone
I was your biggest supporter and now its a sad song

cause in today's times all I've been called is your bitch or your hoe
your object of lust-filled affection and tossed to the side after you've used me.
I'm a notch on your belt or a bragging right so that you can say you "did me"

Where is my respect?

Whatever happened to being your black queen or your right hand?
Now it seems as if all I am, is an object in your mind, a possession that you don't have just one of, as if I'm not special or is it that I have just depreciated and lost my value on my own?

While I used to sit high on my throne, I now open my legs not for the pleasure of my husband or to multiply, but for mankind to put a place on my honeypot, 1st, 2nd,or 63rd.

Now we can't get mad at the obvious,and after all, words are just words... right?
We can't get mad when we were living in the dark and someone chose to turn on the light
We don't care 'cause what's out of mind is usually first out of sight,
and fleeting thoughts don't stick
and when this one or that one is gone, we are on to the next quick...
and Respect or self respect is the last thing on our minds

Um..Bug chasers? What in the name...

So, apparently there are people who call themselves bug chasers. When I first heard this, I thought about those people who are always following around tornados and such...what are they? Storm chasers? Anyway,I thought there was a group of people running around chasing bugs until I realized, wait, aren't there already people who do that? Anthropologists I think, not sure.

Bug Chasers are:
Individuals who seek the HIV virus in HOPES of catching it. Yes, I said, IN HOPES of catching it!

Possible Reasons:
Sympathy HIV. Perhaps a friend or close family members have HIV and the virus-free individual has guilt or feels as if it should have been him/her and decided to take matters into their own hands.
Control. Perhaps people think that they will contact the HIV virus regardless and want to have control over it...

I dont know. Whatever the case may be... I can't just say, "OMG these people are horrible PEOPLE!" because these people who are looking to contract HIV are sick. They need help, some sort of counseling in my opinion. I think of these people with the same respect that I would think of a person with a eating disorder or schizophrenia. This is something they can't help and they need help.

I was watching a Youtube video of my friend's today... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLyUJ5Yb5Qk and he speaks about this and also mentions a little bit about his struggle with HIV. This is where this topic comes from.

WOW... I never expected to hear this.

Latest and Greatest inspirtation

You motivate me,
you make me want to be your everything and your all
to be available for your every beck and call...

I'm not sure if you know it,
or if I even show it
but
you are my latest and greatest inspiration.

How many people can say they can love and appreciate the cost
that they pay for the love of another
if it ain't a sister or brother then I'm usually not hearing it.

I'm not sure if you know it,
or if I even show it
but you are my latest and greatest inspiration.

I apologize

I can't apologize away the pain you must feel,
since I decided to be fake and not to be real.
Love isn't a sure thing and since I felt it for him
and not you I had to go.
The most decent thing to do would have been to let you know.

I'm sorry that I continued to lead you on
sayin how much I loved you when the other man had already won.
Waiting until you slept so that I could creep out at night and vise versa,
believe it or not, I lied so I wouldn't hurt ya.

i apologize that I couldn't make myself stay,
but you've gotta know I tried.
Don't know how many nights I lay there and cried
but you gotta understand, I'm in love with someone else
and I'm feeling something in me that I have never before felt.

I know I can never make you understand the difference between you and my new man
'cause he doesn't try to make me feel special, or hold my hand,
he just does.
He doesn't pretend to try to be there or say that he will,
he just is or he was.

Now don't get it confused, those basketball games tickets with you were fun,
but the candelit conversations were better,
Just like velvet is nice but I prefer leather.

I can't apologize away the pain I must have caused,
I can't hit rewind, nor can I hit stop, pause, or play.
I can't redo tomorrow, I can only focus on today...

Goodbye.

Fall or Fly?

The ledge on which I stand is steep
and the more I look down the more I grow afraid to leap.
I'm not used to someone catching me when i fall
I'll hit fall down, hit my knees and crawl
before that happpens.

Now I'm asked to leap out on faith
even though my courage got poured out somewhere
and my wings are in the shop.
however my nerves have not taken a vacation.
so now I'm filled with anticipation.
amxiousness hung over me like a long shadow...

Either fall...or Fly

Which one is it?

Expectations

Since I was born, I'm pretty sure everybody has had expectations for me. Perhaps I've always been watched under the microscope by those waiting to see if I will make a mistake or if I'll fail. It's crazy because up until a few years ago I thought I was running this rat race called life for me until I realized that I had spent all my years doing what everybody else expressed I should do. People said I would be an excellent English teacher, I majored in English, etc. For the longest I let people dictate who I was and once I figured out that I could fail and the whole world was not going to end, I decided to do what I wanted to do. A lot of the time the decisions that I made were decisions that were made for someone else. From now on I make my own decision. I have even higher expectations for myself.

Keep on blessing me

Lord, I'm so in debt to you that I know I can never repay you,
everytime I look around and see how much others are blessed
I feel I must get this off of my chest.
I don't pray "pretty" or have a whole bunch of fancy divine names,
and I don't have a whole bunch of "let me pray better than thou" kinds of games.
I'm saying all of this to you with a purpose.
Even when I'm broken, head hung down and feeling worthless,
I know that you'll be there.
When no ones else will be and others let me down,
when they trade me in for others
you'll never forsake me.

I know that I was created for your use
and because I was made with a focus
I know you will shelter me from any abuse.
I mean, I don't have any pretty names to call you,
or fifty million words to let others know how great you are
but I do have a living image
The fact that I am hear and willing to do your work is my testimony
that one day I'll do exactly what you knew that I always would
that I'll bask in the glory
for doing the Lord's work and I was good
At it.
I don't havy any long and divine games, and I don't pray or praise pretty
but you accept me for who I am
And I love you
and thank you for your blessings
and please keep blessing me.

Love ain't Free

They feed us this foolishness about love being free
but its an untruth
I'm not talking about sex or paying for it I'm talking about actual LOVE. Love does cost us something. Most of the time it happens so fast we just don't realize it...


Love aint free

They tell you that love is supposed to be free
and it can provide you with most if not all of your needs
but no matter who you love there is always some cost
whether its the friends that you sacrificed, or the soul that you gambled,
whether its the time that you wasted or the mind that you lost
Nothing is for free...

You can give the best part of you and have someone take all that you can give
the very heartbeat in your chest but they expect you to live
while they are survived by 2
and your's is the strongest and won't give theirs to you
see its amazing how we will sacrifice our lives for a love we thought was free
and claim it unconditionally but neglect to love ourselves

Willing to go through all types of shit and mental hell just to have someone to say they love us with no gaurantee that they mean it.
starve ourselves of self-love because their love is like our food and water because we say we need it
And some will sell their souls just to have a warm body in their beds,
rather walk around soul-less than be single they said
rather be hollow than let my hearttake the backseat to my head
and without him or her I'd just rather be dead.

Love ain't free
No matter what Disney says and how many kings found their Queens and Queens found their Kings and lived happily ever after
The only part of the fairytale that i believe is true,
is that you've got to kiss what u believe to be a frog to get your prince and you have to kiss a few.
And even then its a gamble.
a lot for you to handle
because its cost may be more than the gain...

Life ain't a fairytale, love ain't free, and neither is a game.


©Poetically Receptive

So perfect yet so flawed

How is it that you're so "perfect"
yet so flawed?
Like fancy welded forks from the dollar store
You're only for a one day use
it's all good to show you to company
but if i use you again my mouth suffers from abuse
your paint chips, the metal rusts and you bend into positions I never knew existed
mama told me about the cheap spoons and forks- wish I would've listened.
So now I'm in this kitchen with a bunch of SHIT that I can't use
wanna buy the fancy shit but I'm afraid I'll lose it or that I won't use it
or it will lose me...
You're so "perfect"... but yet so flawed?



Funny how we put so much value in these men or these women and some of them are nothing more than pretty welded forks and spoons from the dollar store. Not made of the stuff they need to be made out of to last. They lack quality...smh.

Feeling some Kinda way :-/

I'm definitely feeling some kind of way and I have got to get this off my chest. UGH. Anytime I talk to them or him or whoever... I get this, "what if" feeling that I just don't want to deal with. Sometimes I wonder why God made those feelings because most of the time a person can be fine with what they have decided, but them damn what ifs make them try to go back or change their mind. Then they are in a boat with no paddle or life jacket trying to swim.

So there's this guy... like in my mind I know it would have never worked. I'm positive that it wouldn't have. I just wonder what it would have been like even in a relationship with you it was turmoil. There was always something sneaky behind the scenes going on and I felt it... Still is, but it's not my concern anylonger... I'm just feeling some kinda way about it. It'll pass though...it always does.

Saying Goodbye.

Saying goodbye...
one of those things I'm not so good at. My goodbyes are nothing sweet and nowhere near pretty. I just sort of, disappear or let you disappear. Goodbyes are hard. It's like saying I won't see you anymore ever and sometimes though it is the right thing, its also the hardest thing. Or it's not right or fair but there is no choice. Letting go is something that just has to be done sometimes... and I thought about this now because I am about to let go again....it's time.

I need a musician

I need a musician

one who is good with his fingers and knows how to pluck the strings, tap the drum heads, and stroke the keys
see I love it when he's concentrating, head tilted to the side, guitar on his lap, strap around his shoulder tapping his feet
or when he's comfortable and relaxed
long fingers across the ivory keys

The way he
bites his lips when the music is good to him
performing with his soul and penetrating mine
or when he fingers his keyboard with the fury of an orgasmic release
causing my knees to weaken but at the same time bringing me peace.

I need a musician
with the appreciation of another artist
one willing to match my words with his music
no matter how chaotic
with something melodic

I need... a musician.

Another Pill

I've swallowed yet another pill,
and no one knows my pain.
I feel it travel down my throat
and wait for the effects to reach my brain.
Clearly I am looking for a way out
others can call it running away
but they don't know what this is about
but assume that i'll be okay

Numbness travels from my feet and reaches up to my arms,
at this point i have no feelings
and most would be alarmed
but I'm used to numbing myself so I won't feel the pain
and going to another place where no one knows my name.

I've swallowed yet another pill
and no one knows my pain.
I 've swallowed another one
and now i can't feel the pain.
Just one more and no one knows my name
and is it your negligence that makes you to blame?

Still in Love With Me

No matter how hard you fight it
you're still in love with me
when you hear a song play on the radio or see a chick the same complexion as me on TV
I know I'm there
In your mind hiding around the corner from your girl
she has you in body but i make up your world.

When I don't call I know I'm in your head and when your breath catches when you hear from me I know I'm in your heart
and I know you're still in love with me.
even if you're not with me... you're still in love with me...

because that love never falls away.

Til Death do us part

Tears are falling from my eyes,
and you won't listen to how I'm feeling
you won't answer my calls and I can't fix it alone
it's been 4 months, 3 weeks, 2 days and about 20 minutes since you've been gone
and all of that time i've been watching my fone,
waiting on that Keyshia Cole ring tone
but the phone is silent...

the way things ended was violent,
you screamed, i screamed, broke a vase, scratched your face, turned over some kitchen chairs and a few hate yous later you were single and so was I
Now what kind of man promises to love you and then lies?
what kinda woman promises to be your soldier and cries
at the first sign of trouble I asked myself this question...
i thought that you in my life would be that blessing i'd been praying for
because you were that love i couldn't ignore...
i took this as my sign

and now i wanna fix it,
I can't wind back the hands of time
where i was your everything and you were mine
I can't erase our infedilities or our insecurities
or make believe that everything was perfect from the start
but it's til death do us part and for better or worse
and in my heart you still come first
and my well runs dry and without you near i thirst.

I'm not leaving and neither are you...
Til death do us part.

Thought Provoking questions

My head is buzzing with all the questions and all of the doubts... should I, will I, can I and those dog gone "what ifs". If I had a dollar for everytime I had a "what if" thought I wouldn't even use the internet. I would BE the internet lol. So here goes...


What if I let you in?
Would you let me have my way with you or pretend that we are just friends and those feelings that you are feeling in your chest are just from a mild cardiac arrest and not too serious?

Would you pretend to love me only so you could Slide down in between my knees and make me think that I was lucky.

Should I think that just because I let you in between my thighs that now we have some sort of relationship beyond what is warm and wet?

Should I elude myself into thinking that I am the only one even though the other chick's bed ain't even cold yet?

See... these are just...thought provoking questions...

People who fear questions have no problem with accepting lies and/or telling them. They are prone to believe what ever just so they won't be bothered with a "question" and are more apt to do things on a whim because they would rather not exercise their noodle and pretend that the answer lies in front of them...

These people missed the memo that the world is not black and white, cut and dry. There are more crayons in the crayon box than the colors they are always drawing and outlining with.

So how hard is it to just stretch your mental capacity and think beyond the measure of someone's penis and someone's hips. To see beyond someone's curves and someone's lips?

How hard can it be to bypass that inital thought and ask what a person is really about instead of your first thoughts settling somewhere south of up there?

I mean...these are just thought provoking questions.

*shrugs*

Random (Change Up)

I told you I'd never change up/ said I'd be the same with and without the make up but I lied/AShamed to say that I'm nowhere near as brave as i pretend to be especially when my hiding places are taken/ and first off, i just wanna apologize for fakin/but in my mind i was living true/cuz there was no way in hell that my body was gonna allow me to admit any of the shit i'm really feeling to you. Tell you anything about what's goin on in my dome/ so i set myself apart from the others cuz can't nobody smell your fear when you're alone...

and i told u i'd never change up...

confidence is the key, so i put it on everymorning before i leave/ and i cover up all the insecurities/ cuz insecurities are not to be walked around with for others to see/ its human nature to prey on the weak/ i refuse to be preyed on or do the preying/But I will be myself and do the slaying...and it is what it is... I know I said I'd never change up but life is too short to make up/ and I'm still waiting to wake up before life passes me by....

God Make me a soldier

Every night I pray to God that he make me a soldier/cuz I feel that I'm too sensitive and the world is getting colder/ I ask him to he make me able to accept the things that I cannot change/ I ask that he guide me in his footsteps and pray that I never get lost and always honor his name/ I say that I know get distracted with these worldly things/money makes the world go around and these black men that I sometimes catch myself looking at are supposed to be kings/ some fall short of being in your likeness/ and I catch myself slippn because I like this/ So I say God, I know that I'm not perfect and that I make mistakes but if in some way I'll get closer to you then that's a risk I'll take. God make me a soldier/ I'm ready for the battles/ i'm ready for the war/ This stuff I can handle and your calls i can no longer ignore. So God make me a soldier/ walk beside me when friends say they will and don't/ be my friend when the fakes won't/ and hold me when I'm scared like these deceivers say they will/be understanding when wrong is what i'm doing still/ God make me a soldier cuz the world is getting colder/ and i am getting older/and you I can no longer ignore.

I told him if this is real then we'll fly together but since we're both all in then if its not we'll crash and fall together...

Our relationship is like a rising phoenix, after we've burned and think that its over, a new one rises out of the ash and we're brand new again, constantly eluding the fact that we can't be friends but try it anyway only to end up drifting in two different directions simply co-existing like enemies breathing the same air.. and then back to one another because we're drawn together like planets when they align, like cheese and crackers we realize that WE belong together. If it's real then we'll fly together but since we're both all in then if its not we'll crash and fall together

So I had the dream...

...the same dreams that I love to have but I hate at the same time because they mean that something is coming. Something much bigger than me and something I cannot control.

Learning to deal with change has never been my strong point. I don't want things to stay the same but dramatic and traumatic changes are too much. Death, for instance is a traumatic and dramatic change. I don't fall apart. I simply acknowledge thatit happened, make jokes about it and put it aside for a rainy day. People come and people go. I try not to become affected when I know that there is a much better place than here... it all hurts just the same...

Dear God...

I'm beating on your floors,
screaming your name down here and hoping that you hear me in the heavens because... I need you. You see the storm that's weathering near by and as I grab my umbrella and raincoat I know that you have the power to change and hold together all things. The last thing I want to do is prevent your will from being done, but Lord, you know how much I can take... now I know that I have had this dream for a reason and I'm sure tht it was your doing...be that as it may I still feel unprepared. Now I know not to pray for patience because that's a gift you don't give. I do pray to you for direction. Guide me...

-Thank you.

I gotta put it to rest

Now I put you to rest
I fought as hard as I could
and I know you're sorry, damn sorry indeed
and I know you apologized and I thought that it was enough but it wasn't.
I thought I would be happy with the "I'm sorry if I..."
but damnit it just ain't enough.

Perhaps I'm just going through.
And the fact that I'm basically submerged in your existence doesn't make it much better. Your whole life seems to revolve around me like a straight jacket and any more of this and I'll go insane...

I play super strong but what I really wanted to tell you was..."I keep letting you back in...and how can I explain myself?"(lauryn hill). And I know that I've got it twisted because for some odd reason I just can't LET it go. The cards have been knocked out of my hands and you've seen them all. At ths point your not even strategically playing your hand because you've written me off as an unworthy opponent...

Another night and daddy is still gone.

"Today came and left and you were still gone
It's been two years and I'm still trying to wake up
This nightmare has curled itself tightly into my reality and caused me to want to spend more time asleep than awake.

The rain keeps coming down outside and has now leaked inside
the tears are falling down my face and I'm suddenly submerged.
I can't stop the rain... and the pain is unbearable..." ~Me (Jasmine)

Eveytime I take the time to sit down and get myself together... I think about my dad. I carry on with life like he's still living..even though I say he's dead... Then someone else dies and I'm struck with a number of emotions... guilt, frustration, saddness, sympathy and empathy. Someone close to my younger brother died... and it wasn't like it was unexpected but how can you prepare for a death? Regardless of how sick someone was there is no preparing... only attempts to brace yourself for what is about to happen...

This whole time, I'm trying to think about something else and all I keep thinking about is how his DAUGHTER must be feeling. Knowing that she watched and stood by her father's side in the declining of his health... It's a lot to deal with. That feeling of suffocation when someone dies... It's like just walking and not having a particular destination. I felt like, people pushed me around most of the time 'cause I couldn't really think about it. The only way I could get myself together was to find something to be angry about...

Nights like these I miss my dad. Even if we didn't always get along, I wish he was here for me not to get along with. Sometmes I catch myself waiting on him to come back and have to remember that he never is... today was one of those days... Guess I'm going to sleep. Time to visit him in a dream

Submerged

I'm drowning...
I tried to test the waters with the tip of my toe
and you submerged me...

I have no life jacket and my swimming arms are weak
my lungs can't hold any more air and my legs are tired...

Why is it that when you accept something into your life, people think it is okay to involve you in it whole-heartedly? Like, did you ask me if I was okay with the role that you want me to play? Or did you simply assume since i was cool, I would go with it and shut up? Le sigh..I'm stuck... This time I'll go with it and keep my mouth shut, but I'm tired. Don't submerge me when I simply just wanted to take a look...

Bye

I've been waiting on the planets to align,
searching for some sign because I don't want to ask...
And as I lay here all I can think about is what you said to me last.."bye"
And maybe i'm bein too analytical but is this our forever?

And No, I know my limits so i keep my distance but my mind thinks without my saying so

and it asks me... that question...
and I firmly answer yes..this is our forever...

"bye"...

gone are the I love you's and Call you in the mornings because its like they never existed

so long ago it was that at this point i can't even say i miss it...
I don't remember what i feels like to be wrapped up in you or need to be around you 24-7

I don't have that euphoric feeling of being in heaven... it's absent...

"Bye"... that's our forever

I can't give you...

I can't give you shit
not a promise, not a swear and not another minute of my time
I can't even offer you my forgiveness because the way you played me is forever embedded in my mind.
The things that I'm even THINKING about you right now have got to be a crime
along with the words I miss you, love you, need you, hate you and all of that
but you just keep killing me softly and I keep coming back...
somebody stop the maddness cuz he got me hemmed up to the wall but im the one holdin the knife to my own throat
cuz im thinking if i just release some of the pressure my soul will be light and i can float
but if i keep talkin to u then its murder she wrote
or more like its death by suicide... cuz I've walked into a field with land mines and paid no attention to where i stepped.

I was too busy reaching foward that i forgot to reach up to Him and leaned out for you and you let me fall
face down in the blood that you left when you took my heart with you in your pocket.

Face down in your negligence... as I was too busy planning a life for US and you were planning a life for just YOU and NEGLECTED to inform me of your decision

so no.. I can't give you SHIT, not a second, a minute, another hour out of my day
because I've given all that i can give, the right and the left hemispheres of my brain, all of my heart and have nothing to gain from this bitter "exchange".
and there's nothing else for me to say.

I Am NOT My Hair

In 2009, I cut it off. I don't know what it is about women. Somebody pisses us off and we cut OUR hair off lol. I just felt like I needed a change. I needed something new. It would have been shorter, but my beautician of the time was like, "no ma'am".

Sometimes we cut our hair to start over, to release some of the dead weight. For example, like when people who crave control do things that others won't or wouldn't think to do. It's because they know they can control it. The cutting of the hair is the same thing. I may not be able to control what is going on around me right now, but I can control my hairstyles or the length of my hair! It made my face look rounder, but for the first time you can actually see my eyes. lol. Usually my eyes are half closed. I've grown it back since then, but isn't it a great thing? lol.

Stalker Songs...

People, people...my people...please stop playing songs like "In My Mind" by Heather Headley when you and you're now-not-so-significant other part ways. It's not cute and it makes you a stalker believe it or not. lol. It''s a beautiful song, but think about it! "In my mind, I'll always be his lady...in my mind I'll always be his girl." I vibed to this song so hard when i had a little break up and then one day, I woke up and wondered... "does this make me a stalker now?" lol.

Don't be mad ya'll, I'm just sayin... if someone breaks up with you and you still thinking that they didn't there is a serious issue here that requires some attention! FLAG ON THE PLAY! lol. I'm going to need you to come out of the bushes and realize he/she has moved on and you should too! Put awaay the tissues and housecoat, put the Vodka away and grab a bottle of Moscotto. It's time to stop liquorin it up and start divinely celebrating. Especially if you did all that you could to save the relationship. Out with the bad...in with the new! It's a new DAY!

Your worth

"My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, flyer... didn't you know this...or didn't you notice?"- Jill Scott.

I say, stop trying to make someone see your worth when they are clearly seeing blind... Many of you probably don't know what I mean by, "seeing blind". It means they SEE you but they don't SEE you. They know that you are in their presence or in front of them, but your worth, your value, your beauty is hidden from the naked eye and they miss it. They or either too blind, too stupid or just straight up refuse to see you are...so why waste your time?

We all want that one person to see who we are, who we want them to see. Here's the thing: You can't MAKE anyone see you the way you see yourself. Some people are just afraid of the truth. Afraid that they may see something in you that reminds them of what a sorry ass ('scuse me) person that they are. For instance, people who dress up in that shiny shit to get attention or look better than they already are have a major issue with us plain dressers. We have no problem dressing down and letting who we are shine through. The flashers need a distraction. They want people to be so drawn in by the fact that they are shiny and new that they realize its just shit wrapped in expensive..shit lol.

Stone Cold

I've got this ice pick
I'm trying to fight my stubborness because in my mind you need my help,
you've gone cold because you don't feel...anything.
I've slit my wrist and showed you the blood, but you've not felt anything. You've not even held my other hand to tell me it would be okay nor gave me a bandaid...

So I've got this ice pick and I'm about to free us both. i'm about to liberate us both because in my mind i know that this can't be you.... you've gone stone cold...and without you to care or without me to care this is a no-win situation. I'm slowly icing over, freezing up on the inside and when you decide to thaw, I won't be here. I'll have slid away to someone else. Someone else will thaw this ice that you let form.. so i've got this ice pick... if i can chissel just close enough to your heart to kiss it back to life then I'll do it in hopes that I won't chissel to deep and shatter us both...

You've gone stone cold like you have no feeling, I've slit my wrists and you watched me bleed.

Bittersweet

"When I think about you.... it's bittersweet... yes I'll always love you...it's bittersweet. When we were together, you didn't treat me right. Damn I really love you, I ain't gonna lie."-Fantasia

I'm sure everybody feels this way about at least one person in their past. When I heard this song the first time, I had to cry a little bitand I'm not a crier. I have to say my fav. part of this song is :"Must have had a box full of things you gave me, started to throw it out but something always stops me..." then when she said, "Deep inside my heart, I made the right decision but its kinda hard when ya mind is thinking 'did i make a big mistake?'" If that isn't the realest statemet ever??

Bravo to Fantasia for makin me cry, lol. Nobody does that except Gospel and Michael Jackson. This one just hit me kinda hard. smh.

Don't Blame The Rest of The World

Get your shit together! Excuse my language, but people have been really killing me lately. Don't blame other people for you unsuccessful run at life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I am also a firm believer that there is no gain without pain, no success without struggle, and if you don't put in work, you dont recieve anything. Stop complaining about daddy left and that's why you not sure how to be a father. Get it together. How you gonna put your child through the same thing you went through?

Stop letting your girl take care of you because you too lazy to do for self. And your girl need to stop doing it.
Women, stop sleeping with so many men for fear of being alone. As long as you have SELF and God there is no alone. REspecting and loving yourself will bring the right partner, I believe.

You Just Aren't the One for Him

If you are currently letting your social life dwindle away for a man who makes sure that he has one and ignores you or If you are being cheated on and lied to... I hate to inform you of this BUT...You just aren't the one for him...sorry.

I don't mean to be rude but... You just aren't the one....for his bullshit. MOVE ON! It's hard because we all want people to see what a great woman (or man) we are and they refuse to see it. If they refuse to see what a catch you are, or what a diamond in the rough you are, then its their loss! Clearly you aren't the one (the idiot) that deserves him lol. Clearly he/she is not the King or Queen that deserves you. So he/she isn't the one either lol.

I get out

Sometimes I'm just so damn mad. Born with the ability to love and hating that I can't control it. Hating anything that I can't control at all. Sometimes I feel like somebody has got me in this big ass box and they open the lid just enough for me to get a little hope before they shut me back up in the darkness. Then I'm stuck. Feeling like I got a lot on my chest but my voice isn't big enough to vocalize it beyond this damn lid...So when it finally does escape me, what I say is jumbled into words of hate because all I really wanna say is I love you, I forgive you and I'm sorry for hating you, but instead it comes out as, I don't think...I don't want to... or I can't.

So I jump up, trying to open that lid, bumping my head on the top of it and sacrifice a smooth scalp for a bumpy one only to grow weary. I'm tired of being confined to this box and even more tired of people trying to keep me in it. I'm tired of having to stay within it... I'm tired of confining myself... So, I stoodup and took the lid off.

I get out of all of your boxes.

Don't be sorry, JUST be careful!

who you knock up and who you let knock you up.

I'm concerned that some of us are too quick to give ourselves and aren't thinking about the consequences of our actions. Think about who you're sleeping with! For instance, this dude laying next to you, high as hell, with no job and isn't trying to get a job is cute, but what happens if this night should end with a nine month outcome? So now you take him to court for child support, complain to him that he don't have no job and not trying to get one. You saw that when you slept with him! You are equally to blame! THINK! Fellas, this girl is sexy, but she did show up at my house last week and threaten to stab me, but I'm gonna still sleep with her unprotected. Now she's pregnant with your kid and outside your house, with a big belly threatening to stab you again... GET FOR REAL! Then you wanna call her crazy and leave her. Oh no, don't leave now. You shoulda got the hell on when she was tryna stab you before this happened! You are equally to blame cuz you shoulda knew better.

Don't get me wrong. I think children are gifts from God, but I do think they should be taken seriously. Having children and just "dealing with them when they get here" is not the answer. I just wish people would think about what they are doing because children are innocent in the matter. None of them asked to be born. Step up to the plate and be parents...please?

What am i doing?

I just want to understand what it is that I'm doing right now. I'm hanging in there, but I don't know why. These invisible tears have been falling from my eyes for months now with no clear sign of relief. Feels like an eternity when things just aren't right in your heart or your mind. I can't figure out what I'm doing in this place that was designed to trap me and drain all of my bodily fluids. This chamber beats so hard that I am trapped within it and there is nothing for me to do but beat on its walls, cause more palpitations and hope that I don't die of heartbreak.

How many more times do I have to go through this. This makes attempt 3045860386667870308586 and 4. I've tried to keep my mind steady on things that are above me instead of infront of me. I've been trying to reach up instead of out for so long that I've grown tired of reaching anywhere so I just place my arms by my side.

My head is heavy from holding it up so high that my neck is sore and my eyes are hurt from the sun. Yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I look straight ahead instead of up I'll break. This ice chamber will surely shatter if I look down. I've got to keep looking up at the sun. I need this beating distraction to stop icing up and melt but every...time... I look down... there is my beautiful disaster. Waiting to plunge himself into my heart and shatter the very thing that I keep holding on to...

I can't see it coming down my eyes...so... I gotta make this post cry. If crying would take this away I would gladly lie down and do it... I cannot believe this is happening right now.. I gotta keep my head tilted up and rasie my arms up and not out...Reaching and looking forward always makes me fall...smh

Pass me Over

Like Anthony Hamilton says, "If you catch me dreamin', please don't wake me until I'm done, just keep me sleepin, until the morning comes. Just Pass me Over...make believe that I'm not there. Just leave me be..."

I hate when something is happening that I don't want to happen. It's like a car crash and somebody is pushing me to the wreckage...I don't want to see the the casualties, I don't wanna see their injuries or mine, I just want to turn around as those cars collide behind my back and keep walking like I didn't see it. Keep walking like if I didn't see it or it wasn't told to me, it doesn't exist. Just... pass me over...

There will be times when something happens and you just don't want it to happen. You see it happening, but there was nothing you could do to stop it. There was nothing you could say to prevent the "tragedy" from happening so you watched in horror while everything in you screamed and cried for it not to happen... I've been hit with this a few times. One particular instance... when my dad told me my uncle died in a truck accident. I felt like somebody was trying to keep me in a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. no matter what I did, I couldn't get away and there was no one there to help me through that one. So I just... did what I had to, walked through it like I usually did, found somebody to be pissed off at so that I would make it through the day... i say that to say this...sometimes things happen and you can't control them and they are hell to get through. You're just walking into it and your fighting it on the inside but there isn't a damn thing you can do to get around it because whether you like it or not... it's happening. Death is like that...we all know its coming so we kinda drag through life sometimes 'cause we know at some point we will die and then it is happening and there isn't a damn thing for us to do now but have peace...

This relationship I had once was like that. I saw the end happening,couldn't stop it, didn't know how to stop it, and knew that the end was inevitable even though I didn't want it to happen... I drug my feet through it, went through the motions as I fought it like the waves in the ocean... but then... i finally gave in and let the waves drown me and carry me up to shore.. and it was over. Some things have to happen for better things to happen. Endure the pain, bare through the rain, and then enjoy the rainbow and sunshine!

Love all over me...

I never knew how bad I wanted it,
to feel it all over me like a second skin
to have the flame to my soul lit
to feel as if I can finally hold the ultimate prize and say, "I win."

I've never wanted to feel so clean,
washed all over in him,
to feel as if I am stuffed to my seams
with all of him...


I almost felt like this once. I felt like I would drown in him, not wanting to ever come up for air because he was all the life that I needed. Like the world didn't turn unless I heard his voice or could see his smile... I needed these two things like my skin needs the sun. I soaked him up like...like a sponge...like a drop of water in the desert, like a fat, country man with a biscuit and some gravy... I had to have him everyday like a once a day vitamin or my stomach would feel so hollow that I would constantly eat and drink to fill this void only to have that emptiness move to another spot that I could never touch to heal... Not without him...

Monica's "Love All Over Me" just reminded me of how good it felt to satisfy that feeling. To feel as if I was walking on a cloud and heights were making the bottom of my feet tingle. I wanted to wrap his love around me like a Snuggie and curl up in the tightest, smallest place that I could and not move... Like I could jump out of an airplane backwards, no parachute and know that I would land safely because his love would be my safety net...

That's the love I look forward to feeling and experiencing again... hopefully this next jump is even better than the first.

Sweet release

My head is aching and my brain is threatening to split in two,
if you were crossed with these feelings what would you do?
On one side my mind says to let it ride but the body says it needs that attention
the mind says to focus on other things and exercise my mental capabilities but my body is full of tension.
see i cant focus with you in my reach like this
teasing me, glowing in the dim light
knowing that if i get you in my hands im soaring right through the roof, im taking flight

cause you give me that good feeling,
that don't wanna stop gotta let it flow, natural healing
both my mind, soul, body,hands and fingers can relax after your outpour
and im free until i want more or sometimes i don't even stop, riding the wave and waiting for the next one to rise and float me to my peaceful place, to my happiness at the sunrise....

I need you to let me wrap my fingers around your roundness,
using my wrists as exercise... I need...I need... I need my pen so I can write.

Let me be free

Chains bind around my body and he teases me
perched on the window sill willing me to break free
The more I stretch my wings, the tighter the chains become and I realize I am swelling from all of the struggle to no avail...

So as I sit in my personal jail
he taunts me with his freedom
And I just know that without him I'm stuck
and his love is the key to the kingdom
and without it i can't get away from my mental hell...

He sings a beautiful song of freedom
because he has stolen my voice
He makes me think that I need him
Like I have no choice.

It got too cold one day
and he flew away
and I opened my eyes and my cage was open
my voice was back,
my wings were free... I didn't need him afterall

Untitled

Blue pellets hit the tablet and leak from my pen
Not only did I lose an ally, I lost a “bestfriend”
While God was steadily tellin me no, I was nodding my head yes
I was determined to befriend you no matter how much He pulled at my chest.
Your lies were like spit, pelting my face
Yet I wiped my eyes and looked over it
And never once evaluated your case.
How stupid of me to lose me
In deception and lies for something so sweet
And evil that would cause me to cry?
They say misery loves company and you must have been one lonely soul
That’s why you chose to pull me down in your bullshit, and give me your cold
Shoulder and kept my warm heart just to keep yourself alive.
How selfish were you to keep what’s mine and will me to die?
Now I would be mean to snatch that shit back and leave you empty
But you can have it, I don’t need it because now I have myself as my security….

Blue pellets hit the tablet and leak from my pen…
I don’t need you as my bestfriend..nor my enemy..
Let the story of ME begin….WORD

A change

So, as I said this year, 2010 was about change and bettering self. Now, I feel like in just this last month alone, I have done almost a complete 360. I'm not finished though. My next step is to free myself from the things that bind me. The first thing to go is some weight. I had already decided on this but my friend put it back in my mind. The mental is a little deeper than that. I guess what I've gotta do it take it one step at a time. So... I guess I'm gonna try to look at this weight thing as something that people don't think i can do so I'll beast in it. I got a lot to accomplish this year. I already got it crackin but its time to get it poppin'. BOOM! Let's do it!

Untitled

Passion built up inside my chest like the fires of a million houses
being watered down by millions of buckets of drips of water
That's how I feel
You give me JUST enough to keep me from dying
but not enough to quench my thirst

You smother and re-ignite my flame
Lighting me up and then throwing your blanket over my heat
drowning me in pain
but forcing in your sunshine
so bright that my eyes hurt...

Passion
built up in my soul like bricks to a chimmney
and you're the one blowing the smoke.
Not one soothing word from your mouth is worth a grain of salt...
Excuse me, not woth a "shit" but I keep coming back.

I keep coming back
Letting you lead me right off of this cliff
push me right (WRITE) over the edge
and its all because you keep giving me what I've been missing...
passion...

The heartbreak of an Elusive Writing Career.

Love knows no lies

My heart is pounding and this adrenaline rush that I'm feeling is enough to drive me insane. I can't keep my hands busy enough so I grab a pen and just write my name all over pieces of paper. Then pen is clutched so tightly in my hand that I'm beginning to get a cramp but I've just got to do something.

He lied. He lied to me. The simplest lies have started to snowball into bigger ones. The more he lies, the more he has to keep lying and the madder I get. I'm too hurt to express it in words. I'm too hurt to even cry. I just want to find him, find him and lay my hands on him.

The clock above the kitchen counter was ticking and working my nerves. Every tick reminded me that Amari was nowhere to be found. Every tick reminded me that I had yet to hear from his lying ass all day.

I still heard her voice in my ears as she told me that the child in question was his child. This new baby that was born less than a month ago belonged to my man of two years. How could I deal with this? The man who was supposed to be the father of my first child had spilled his seeds into some chick. She had even had a boy. Had the nerve to make him a junior and Amari hadn't told me a thing. This chick had to call me and tell me about my man.

So many emotions ran through my body. I was too many things at one time and my body was confused. I didn't know whether I would break down when I finally saw him or try to beat him. I had been thinking of the perfect murder for the last fifteen minutes. How to kill him, dispose of the body and never get caught. Then I decided that I'm not sneaky enough and that killing him would hurt me way more than this.

What I didn't get is how he could love me and cheat on me. How could he tell me that we were having out first child together or that we were getting married knowing, knowing, that he had a child on the way with someone else? Is this what love is? Lies and deception? If it is, then I want out!Love does not keep secrets or lie. Love is honest and pure, all of that fairy tale ish I had read in books... or so I thought.

Amari walked in as I was going back to my plan of killing him as if nothing had happened. Timberlands half laced, baggy jeans, oversized hoody and all. I wanted to tie the hoodie's drawstring around his neck. And when I asked him about it, I knew it was true. The look on his face told it all. He gave me no response when i asked him why. So I did what I had to do. I told him I was leaving. And do you know what he did? He let me. He said that if I would be happier without him than he loved me enough to let me leave. Bullshit, if I ever heard it, but whatever. As I walked out the door I said, "If you loved me, you would explain. You would make things better. You would fight for me. You would fight for us! You wouldn't let me just walk out." Then I left. In my mind I was waiting, even though I had driven across the Georgia state lines... for him to call... to come after me. He never did. So what does this mean? Does this mean he never loved me or does this mean he's too in love with himself to ever be in love with anyone else?

Passion won't let me truly get over him and neither will love. Its a thing line between Love and hate and he has definitely showed me that. I hated him and loved him at the same time and I wondered if given the opportunity would I kill him. Probably. That's why I didn't go back.

Don't pick on the Holy Spirit...

cuz the Holy Spirit will pick on you.

I used to always imitate people catching the Holy Ghost because to me it was funny. People were always "shouting" around me and I'd come home and do it. Smh...wrong thing to do.

Well for the longest I thought those folks was faking... I'm sorry, I did! I was young and didn't know any better. For you all who don't believe in the holy ghost...hmmpph. Gon' head and play with him and see.

Well, I was sitting in church. I was probably around fifteen or sixteen. Mind you, I'd been imitating people catch the holy ghost since i was big enough to imitate it. Well anyway, I was sitting on a bench, and this particular Sunday I happened to be paying attention. I don't remember what the message was about 'cause I'm gettin' old. But anyway, I happened to be paying attention and I remember getting a little angtsy 'cause the Pastor was like he used to say, "Stepping on toes." Well whatever he said had stepped on mine. And it seem like he KEPT stepping on them. Everything he talked about seemed like it was directed at me. Or like a friend I work with says, "That joker had read my mail" (Cracks me up everytime). For those who missed that, basically, Pastor knew all my business. lol. Anyway, I don't know what happened. I don't know where it came from. I don't know how it happened but I had the uncontrollable urge to cry.

Now I know what ya'll are thinking. Ya'll don't understand! Back then I didn't do tears! Sure, I'm a little tree-hugger now, but back then tears were not my thing. So not only was I confused, i was now shocked. Then I got this uncontrollable urge to get up. I didn't wanna turn no cartwheels and whatnot, but I felt like I had to do something. Something was really heavy on my back and would not get off. I can't even describe it.

Now, as I was crying...and didn't know why lol, I was trying to pull myself together. And I did...once I saw this other Pastor layin hands. I used to be terrified of that kind of thing. I had never passed out before and from what I had seen before, when the Pastor touched your forehead you were out...and I didn't want no parts of it lol.

That was just the first time and ever since then I get randonly struck sometimes with the same indescribable feeling. It's usually when I start reflecting about things I've been through and a church songs hits me just right and I might start crying and that's about it. Well, recently, I went to work out at the gym. I had a lot on my mind and needed to relieve some stress. In my shuffle of songs as I'm racing myself on the elliptical, I come across some gospel. All is cool until Shirley start talking to me. All I know is when she got to the part that says, "You been tellin' lies Satan," in my mind I was like, "HE SURE HAS!" I started thinking about things that were on my mind and what she was saying and my ramblings about thinking positive and got too carried away and yelled out, "JEEEEESSSUUUUSS!" and almost hopped off of the elliptical...smh. Needless to say during that moment I could have cared less who was watching me almost fall off that elliptical face first. I didn't care who heard me randomly call on Jesus...smh...I'm talking about feet came up OFF the pedals like i was about to HOP! People next to me was giving me the side-eye, moving off their machines..smh and AT THE TIME, I wasn't the least bit embarrassed.

So I tell you that to tell you this...The Spirit is VERY MUCH real...play with it if you want to and see what happens.

Goodbye Love

As he lay dying in her arms she wondered was there anything she could have done to change the now. What if she could do something different and the outcome be different?

Meshon was losing streams of blood faster than she could draw her next breath and she wasn't sure how long he nor she would make it. Though the bullet had pierced his chest she was more in danger of dying than he.

Meshon's eyes were barely open and what little sight he had he used to see Ciara. Though his chest was burning and he was in the most excruciating pain of his life, the pain in her eyes hurt him the most. If he could stand up and suddenly be fine he would. The pain that she suffered was much to deep for him to bare.

Ciara held Meshon's hand so tight that her soft brown hands were reddening around the knuckes. Her other hand was placed across Meshon's bullet wound. No matter how much pressure she applied, Meshon's blood still flowed around her fingers, spilling across her knuckles and his shirt. The copper smell filled the air and burned Ciara's already tearful eyes.

Ciara's chest was on fire from trying to hold her breath and her tears,afraid that sobs would rack her body. She had to be strong. The love of her life was slipping into non-existence as she watched but she had to be calm.

Meshon's chest was still burning. He couldn't cry or his body would shake and cause more pain. Breathing was hard. A thousand little knives were stabbing at his heart and his breathing grew more shallow by the second. He couldn't cry or look scared. He had to be strong for her.

Meshon slipped away within the next few minutes as Ciara prayed in her mind, never breaking eye contact. Sirens wailed in the distance, coming to save a man that had already gone home. A man that had left here way too early because of someone else's ignorance. An innocent man had died in the misfire of gang violence.

Before Meshon was shot he'd asked her how much she loved him and she couldn't answer. She knew he probably thought it was because she didn't love him but at the time she could express herself. So as he lay dead she told him...

"I love you more than any person could feel love for anybody or thing. I love you more than life itself and if you're not going to be in it, I have no sense of being."
Ciara took her bloody hand and touched her heart. "My heart, isn't mine because you have been carrying it around since the day i met you. These eyes," she pointed to her eyes, "have only been on you. My rib, came from you Meshon, so that I would forever be a part of you."

Ciara took her hands and closed Meshon's eyes to the world forever."Goodbye Love."


Senseless murder took away the only love that Ciara and Meshon had ever known...Think before you act...please.

Wanting

There have been times where I have wanted something physical or material that I could literally feel what it would be like to have it. I mean, I guess it's like wanting that new ipod so bad you can almost feel it in your hands everytime you watch a commercial. I've been like that about things before but mine has been emotional feelings.

What's weird is sitting around and feeling some kind of way and not being able to express it. I could be so happy sometimes and have no clue what to do to relieve that feeling. I can almost feel myself happy enough that I could just scream but I won't do it. Lol. I don't know if I won't do it because I'll feel stupid or embarrassed or if I just...can't.

On the opposite end, sometimes I can be so sad but I can't cry. The tears won't fall but I want the relief so bad I can feel the tears running down my cheeks even though they are still dry. I'm assuming on my end its just pent up emotion that I've only allowed myself to acknowledge this year. How I'm feeling at the moment though? Well, laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and smile through it all. lol.

Negative energy

I spent a lot of time first hiding from myself. Ignoring the fact that I was unhappy and trying so hard to keep up the act that I was fine. In 2009 I had given up one of the closest men that wasn't a family member to ever get close to my heart. Though I knew it was the right thing to do.I was beyond pissed that my father had died on February 26, 2008 and he was still heavy on my mind. My only piece of mind was pretending that I had my ducks in a row and that I was just fine.


So 2009, I was still bitter and pissed. Looking for something that i could throw myself into to get it together but kept coming up empty. By November of 2009, I was midway through seeing myself in every light, (some flattering, some not so much) and I needed a change. Tired of being so negative and people being so negative around me. So I made a decision. I decided that in 2010 it was going to be my year. As a matter of fact, I claimed it in the name of Jesus. I was giving up all of the things that made me comfortable in being my usual negative self, my ex-friend, my curse words, my negative outlook, everything. one because I realized that negativity is like a disease. It festers and grows until your whole mind is covered and now you have placed yourself in this little box where nothing that you dream about can get out but all of the negativeness is kept in. Let it go. Make this day, this week, this month, this year, YOURS! Claim it in the name of God. Claim it in your own name...whatever you need to do to let it go. It's such a relief and a blessing when you do. Sure there will be down days. What I'm learning to do is smile and be thankful for the things that did go my way rather than the things that didn't. Tomorrow is always a better day....if you believe it to be so...